The Jasperverse

I will happily (and mercilessly) write about any people in my life – friends, family members, coworkers – if there is some entertainment value to be garnered from their life experiences (and by life experiences, I mostly mean misfortunes), then I’m all over it. I figure it’s only fair that I at least describe them in some fleeting detail, so you can get a vague idea who I’m mocking.

The Baron: This is a word that still sounds weird in my mouth (because I have never really had cause to use it before), but The Baron is actually my boyfriend. I know, right? God knows what he is thinking. I’m so late to this “being in a relationship” party I feel like I’m using the word incorrectly. Do we still say ‘boyfriend’? Or am I supposed to say ‘partner’ or something? ‘Significant Other’? ‘Dude who has seen me naked’? I’m so confused. Maybe I’ll refer to him in a Zaphod Beeblebrox-esque manner: “The Baron is just this guy, you know?”

His name is The Baron because it sounds a bit like his name. I know: HIGH-larious. The Baron is a writer and is hopelessly indecisive – not because he can’t pick one thing, but because he WANTS EVERYTHING EQUALLY AND IMMEDIATELY. Sometimes, if we’re in a group at a restaurant, it takes three of us to coach him through the menu. He is also clever and funny and cute and utterly adorable. (As you can see, I’m quite indifferent towards him.)

Lady Penelope: Lady Penelope is one of  The Baron’s housemates/landladies, and one half of a lovely lady couple – the other half being Princess Ukulele. Lady Penelope enjoys sewing and crafting to an immeasurable degree. SO much stuff gets created from her two dainty hands, it’s quite incredible. She has recently embarked on a new project: making her own cross-stitch patterns. That’s right, she’s so far beyond making craft she’s now making the makings of craft. Also: if you badmouth Judi Dench in her presence, she will cut you. And then use the tableau of you bleeding on the floor as inspiration for a beautiful quilt.

Princess Ukulele: The Baron’s other landlady. Princess Ukulele is a kitchen wizard, and cooks things that are amazeballs. She can bake, ice and serve a red velvet cake in the time it would take me to ruin toast. She is also a keen ukelele player – I have witnessed her make up a song on the spot with her ukelele. It is the most charming thing ever. In fact, between the crafts of Lady Penelope and the cooking of Princess Ukulele, if they weren’t so freaking adorable I’d hate them both. Blasted overachievers.

Penelope and Ukulele also double as The Baron’s and my beards, when we want to go out in public without making Tony Abbott uncomfortable – but we can never decide whose beard is whose. That is why the house in which The Baron, Lady Penelope and Princess Ukulele reside is called The House of Interchangeable Beards.

The House of Interchangeable Beards: If you’ve read up to this point, you should already know that this is where The Baron, Lady Penelope and Princess Ukelele all live. It also a localised branch of Lincraft, and a gourmet patisserie. Between the crafts and the bakery goodness, I’m not entirely clear as to how there is enough room in that house for three adult-sized residents.

Wolverine: We were housemates for four and a half years, minus one year she spent in a different city – but it hardly counts because she was visiting us every six weeks. She was also my co-worker for four and a half years. (No, we don’t have many boundaries, why do you ask?) She’s called Wolverine because her real middle name is ‘Logan’, and she longs to have the middle name Wolverine. I’m throwing her a bone, here. So to speak.

Wolverine is tall, and intimidating, and it is flat out impossible to offend her. It is quite possible to be offended by her, however. But she is still a lady.

Jean-Paul: Like Wolverine, Jean-Paul was my housemate for four and a half years and coworker for five years (nope, no boundaries here, either). He is called Jean-Paul in the Jasperverse because he is the first (and so far only) straight man I know to ever buy and wear Jean-Paul Gaultier’s Le Male fragrance, which I’ve always believed is the signature homo smell. I’ve told him that wearing Le Male is akin to hanging out in a mensroom with kneepads on; but Jean-Paul still wears it proudly.

If he starts wearing horizontal striped skivvies and neck-kerchiefs, however, I’m calling a counsellor.

Mr Sparkle: One of my best mates with whom I have a checkered history – because we used to play checkers. Okay, that’s a lie - we play videogames. Like The Stag and Stevivor, it’s an addiction. We also share an addiction to watching terrible gay-coming-of-age movies. Our friendship is based on nerdiness and shame.

Mr. Sparkle is named after his personality, which is sparkling. At least, he TELLS me his personality is sparkling, and I am just too lazy to do a proper background check.

The Stag: It is well known that a lot of gay men have a ‘Fag Hag’ – the straight female best friend – but I don’t. I do, however, have a straight male best friend, and he was helpfully given the title ‘Fag Stag’ by a nearby expert - a title he has taken to surprisingly well. I think he might be ever-so-slightly proud of his Role Of Importance. Even his girlfriend is chuffed, having since dubbed herself the ‘Stag Shag’. In the interest of politeness, we shorten it to just “The Stag”.

The Stag and I share many weird traits. We are both unnecessarily addicted to videogames. We both agonise over correct spelling and grammar – to the point of correcting others when necessary. We both share a large soft spot for anything that comes out of Joss Whedon’s brain, and we both have heads that seem a little large for our bodies. It’s a match made in Large Headed Geek Heaven. And thank goodness for our geekiness, because I now live interstate from my Stag, but we use Xbox Live to keep in contact.

Stevivor: Technically an old friend, in that we’ve known each other for years. But also technically a very new friend, in that we only actually *met* in August 2009. He is my Xbox 360 equivalent of Obi Wan Kenobi – he has a skill level I will just never match, but he inspires me to try better. Also, he wears an oversized hooded robe that looks itchy. (Okay no, he doesn’t – but he sure could if he wanted to.) Find out more here.