Voice of Dis Scent

March 30, 2010

My office smells. Don’t worry, it isn’t of anything sinister. It smells like the fragrance I wear (the name of which I will not divulge for dignity-saving purposes. Some male celebrities just have nice fragrances, okay? Shut up). The reason my office smells like this is because of a small breakdown I had while trying [...]

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These Boots Are Made For Potentially Serious Injuries

March 25, 2010

I recently took up what can only be described as one of the most impractical activities known to man. This is what I do: I wear heavy boots with long, stainless steel blades running along the bottom of them. I then attempt to remain upright on these beknifed boots while skittering across a body of water that is being [...]

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Hey, I Was Enjoying That

February 19, 2010

“Well, at least he died doing something he loved.” This is a platitude often bandied about when someone dies in some kind of tragic, extreme activity/sports related accident.  It is supposed to make people feel better; knowing that while they’ve lost a friend/relative/lover/particularly popular celebrity, at least that person went out at his or her own [...]

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Crime and Pun-ishment

February 6, 2010

For the most part, I am an optimist. I like to see the world as a pleasant place, full of goodness and light. Unfortunately, there are people out there who don’t share my view. Furthermore, they are constantly angered – threatened, even – by my positivity, and seek every opportunity to destroy me. One of [...]

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Who is Chloé Treend?

January 23, 2010

In the 1957 novel Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand posed the question “Who is John Galt?” Today I pose a much more serious question: “Who is Chloé Treend?” It’s a question – possibly the first question in a series of many that could unwrap an entire conspiracy — that I stumbled across last night while watching [...]

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It Isn’t Called ‘Cheetah Week’

January 22, 2010

Sometimes there is such a thing as too much media spin. One of the perks of my job (and I use the term “perks” about as loosely as Ke$ha uses the term “singer”) is the random assortment of media releases I get from the most bizarre of places. I don’t know how my name ended up [...]

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What I Did On My Holidays

January 6, 2010

You know the worst part about returning to work after a Christmas break, regardless of its length? It’s not having to go back to a regular routine of waking up early, eating properly and wearing pants. It’s something much, much worse. I might be exposing myself as some kind of horrible misanthrope here; but I really, really hate having [...]

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The Only Girl I Ever Loved: A Tale Of Concussion, Stupid Girls and Vampires* – Part 3

January 4, 2010

* But not THAT tale of concussion, stupid girls and vampires – this one predates that one by eight years. Also, it is real. The working title of this story was actually “Shut Up, Stephanie Meyer”. The Conclusion About a month after I became a teenage swinger for about fifteen seconds, Bella had braces put [...]

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The Only Girl I Ever Loved: A Tale Of Concussion, Stupid Girls, and Vampires* – Part 2

December 29, 2009

* But not THAT tale of concussion, stupid girls and vampires – this one predates that one by eight years. Also, it is real. This story was originally called “Shut Up, Stephanie Meyer”. Three Unexpected Twists In the weeks that followed, I kissed Bella a lot. As frequently as possible in as many places as possible. [...]

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The Only Girl I Ever Loved: A Tale of Concussion, Stupid Girls, and Vampires* – Part 1

December 24, 2009

* But not THAT tale of concussion, stupid girls and vampires – this one predates that one by eight years. Also, it is real. The working title of this story was actually “Shut Up, Stephanie Meyer”. The Beginning When I was fifteen, I was very much like Drew Barrymore. My voice was slightly grating, I [...]

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