From the category archives:

things that are over

Whatsicle?

July 23, 2010

Traffic here at this blog has gone through the roof recently. Is it because I write a steady stream of hilarious-and-simultaneously-thought-provoking posts? A brand of unique comedy hitherto unseen on the internet? Is it because jasperschultz.com is a veritable cornucopia of entertainment? No, no it isn’t. It’s because you are all dying to know what the hell [...]

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Ctrl Alternative Del

July 21, 2010

Remember when Tori Amos bucked the trend of female musicians in the early 90s by playing vaguely abstract songs on her piano instead of tit-reliant dancepop? That was awesome. Whimsical and awesome. She burst onto the alternative scene and captured the hearts of a lot of disenfranchised people. Remember when Tori Amos started gussying herself up [...]

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Just Stop, Part 1

June 27, 2010

To celebrate my fancy new site design (do you like? The Baron did it all for me. Bright colours, giant letters – it appeals to my inner child and my inner narcissist!), I’m starting a new regular feature for this blog. It’s called “Just Stop”, and in it I will address important problems facing our [...]

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I Got Carried Away, Read Me My Miranda Rights, Who Are These Charlotte-ains, And…Something Something Samantha is a Slut

June 15, 2010

It’ll come as a surprise to absolutely no one to learn that I am very well acquainted with bad movies. Some of my favourite movies are bad movies. There are even people who would argue that ALL my favourite movies are bad movies, but they’re philistines. Hmph. However, no amount of familiarity with tragic cinema [...]

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…Or a Vogon.

May 19, 2010

After holding the title of Weirdest Conversation I’ve Ever Had for nearly six months, the unrelenting woman revealed to be Tracey has had her crown snatched from her snappish head by someone new. This is an actual phone conversation I had today. The ALL CAPS text you see isn’t just for formatting. The man spoke [...]

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Defending Your Right To Say It

May 4, 2010

It’s not often that I get opinionated in anything even remotely resembling a serious fashion, but this whole Logies/Wil Anderson/Catherine Deveny thing is just getting on my nerves. First of all, (and this explains why I said “getting on my nerves” and not “I’M SO INCENSED” or “I WANT TO OVERTURN A VEHICLE!”) I don’t [...]

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The Man Who Cut Me

April 6, 2010

I miss Shane. You won’t know this, because I never spoke of him (even those closest to me weren’t really aware of his existence), but Shane was one of the most important people in my life. Our relationship was perfect. We never fought, we always had fun together, he knew exactly what I wanted and [...]

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Saturday Night? Fine. But Monday Morning Is NOT Alright For Fighting

December 21, 2009

Before reading this following scene, you should know three things: My phone ringtone is the theme from 30 Rock, and I suck at onomatopoeia. I ordered all my this year’s family Christmas presents online, but they haven’t been delivered yet. This actually happened. I didn’t even change the names to protect the innocent. [SIX FORTY-THREE AM] My (very [...]

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It Puts iRose in Every Cheek

September 28, 2009

As I hurtle frighteningly closer to my 29th birthday, I sometimes fear that I may be getting “old”. I don’t know at what point (if there is one) a person suddenly falls out of touch with the youth demographic and becomes a doddering old twit, but it’s probably coming. And the worst part is I [...]

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Lancing the Boyle

June 18, 2009

For the love of all things popular and cultury, can everyone just shut up about Susan freaking Boyle? I’m sick of hearing about her, and I’m imposing a worldwide ban on the mention of her name… …right after I’m done talking about her right now. I get it, she can sing. But lots of people [...]

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