About Me

I am 29 years old. Those 29 years have been spent in places like Brisbane, Mount Isa, Cairns, the Torres Strait, Darwin, Rockhampton, Toowoomba, Tin Can Bay and most recently Canberra, but I now live in Melbourne, where I have longed to be for many years. I am a writer by trade: comedy occasionally, copy mostly, and dozens of unfinished documents of crap in my hard drive the rest of the time. I am pants at describing myself, so here’s a list of things instead:

1. I’M SENSITIVE: I cannot, repeat CANNOT touch cotton wool balls. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. If you somehow got yourself a gaping mortal wound, were at risk of bleeding to death, and needed some cotton wool balls to stem the flow; I might be able to bring you a bag of them – if I held the very tip of the very corner of the bag – but you’d have to do the rest yourself. Sorry.

2. I’M ANAL: All my dvds have to be arranged alphabetically. BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE, THAT’S WHY.

3. I’M OBTUSE: I had the first inkling that I might be gay when I was 12, although I only realise that now in hindsight. I kissed a boy for the first time at 15, but it wasn’t until I was 23 that I knew enough to come out.

4. I’M FORTUNATE: My first name was very nearly ‘George’. I’m sorry to all Georges out there, but I’m glad it turned out not to be.

5. I’M DEMURE: I am a grower, not a shower. (Oh don’t overreact. It’s not like I’m posting pictures or anything.)

6. I’M VAL MORGAN’S DREAM: I like the trailers before a movie starts. If anything, I think there should be more of them.

7. I’M A PUNCHLINE SHOEHORNER: I try to be funny all the time, but I think I’m much funnier in writing than I am in person.

8. I’M TWITCHY: I have a nervous habit of flipping things in the air and catching them. I’ve broken the sliding bits off countless remote controls, and a few phones, by constantly flipping them. Flip flip flip. It drives the people around me mad.

9. I’M TWITCHIER: Other nervous habits – spinning cushions on my finger like a basketball (but I can’t do it with an actual basketball); and jiggling my leg – it’s like Jurassic Park wherever I go because the vibrations from my leg cause pulses in any nearby glasses of water.

10. I’M WRITING THIS IN UNDER 7 SECONDS: I type fast. Really fast. I once took a typing test that clocked me at 122wpm, but normally it’s around 105wpm.

11. I’M ACCURATE: Yes, the accuracy of my fast typing IS acceptable. 97%.I HATE IT when, upon hearing the aforementioned fact, people immediately (and snidely) ask “yes, but what’s your accuracy like? 12%, I’ll bet!” Yes, that’s right. I just wildly mash the keyboard and call that typing. I pretend to have a high typing speed because fast typists get LAID, man.

12. I’M DISAPPOINTED: I have never, ever gotten laid as a result of my typing.

13. I’M SWEATY: Despite spending the majority of my life in deserts/tropical climates, I would still rather be cold than hot. You can always put another layer on when it’s cold, but there are a finite number of layers you can take off when it’s hot. And once you’re naked, you can still be hot. Also, you’re naked.

14. I’M CONTRADICTORY: I LOVE orange flavoured things. There really is nothing I won’t eat if it is orange flavoured. But I’d really rather not eat an orange itself. I mean, they aren’t bad, it’s just…meh.

15. I’M A NERDY ADRENALINE WHORE: I’m all about videogames in general, but scary videogames are one of my favourite things ever. As I’m getting older they are harder to come by, but a game that is so scary you have to pause it to have a bit of a breather? That is AWESOME.

16. I’M ANAL, PART 2: I am a stickler for spelling, and the correct use of words – for example: If you are sick, you are NOT ‘nauseous’, you are ‘nauseated’. ‘Nauseous’ means you cause nausea. I know the dictionary says that, due to common misuse, either is now acceptable; but that’s just lazy kowtowing and I want no part of it. Also, there is no ‘a’ in ‘definitely’. See it there? DEFINITELY? No ‘a’ at all. Those two are my biggest pet hates.

17. I’M MOONY: When I was a child, I thought I was mentally deficient somehow because I could never see “the man in the moon”. All I saw was a damn rabbit. WHERE WAS THIS MAN EVERYONE KEEPS FAFFING ON ABOUT? WHAT MAN? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I was in my late teens before I realised that the ‘man in the moon’ is a northern hemisphere thing.

18. I’M BROKEN-HEARTED: Speaking of shattered childhood illusions, I was 26 before I found out that Maria and Luis from Sesame Street are not married, and are NOT EVEN CALLED MARIA OR LUIS. Everything I hold dear has been based on a lie.

19. I’M NOT THE KISS OF DEATH: For a brief period in 2009 I wrote for the TV show Rove. It is merely a coincidence that he retired six weeks later – I swear I had nothing to do with it. The same with goes for the cancellation of Wheel of Fortune only six weeks after I was a contestant on the show. Coincidence, I swear.

20. I’M GREAT AT PARTIES: My favourite food is dip. Nearly all dips. I love dip.

21. I LIKE EVERYTHING: Sometimes I wonder why I bother disliking anything, because given enough time I will eventually come around to loving it. A list of things I now love that I used to hate include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, avocados, Rufus Wainwright, olives, iPhones, Nigella Lawson, Gilmore Girls, oysters, and Twitter.

22. I’M AFRAID OF CONVERTING: It’s because of fact #21 that I now refuse to watch any Star Wars movies – because I have spent quite a few years sporting a hearty and public disdain for them; and am afraid that if I were to go back and watch any of them again, I might suddenly get converted. And quite frankly, I’m nerdy enough, thanks.

23. I’M AWARE OF THE TIME: I have a thing for watches. I own 14 of them, even though only four work at any given time – no pun intended. (Oh, who am I kidding? The pun was totally intended.)

24. I’M URBAN (NOT KEITH): I once lived in what could be called a tropical paradise. The water was azure, the beaches were golden, the people were sparse and the seafood was plentiful. And I was miserable for nearly all of it. Not because of the water, the beaches, the people or the seafood, mind you – well actually, it WAS the people, but that’s another story. And it was a little bit of the seafood too – I was nine, and didn’t care for it. The point is I sometimes now look at photographs or holiday show segments of “island paradises” and am completely unmoved. I’ll just hang out in a city, thanks. I love cities. And now that I live in Australia’s best city, I couldn’t be happier.

25. I’M INKED: I have a tattoo. It is on my right shoulder, and was done live on-air when I worked in breakfast radio. I only had two weeks to think of a design, and what I came up with was a little slapdash – but to this day, I still love it so much, which is quite lucky. I dodged a bullet there.