Whatsicle?

Traffic here at this blog has gone through the roof recently.

Is it because I write a steady stream of hilarious-and-simultaneously-thought-provoking posts? A brand of unique comedy hitherto unseen on the internet? Is it because jasperschultz.com is a veritable cornucopia of entertainment?

No, no it isn’t.

It’s because you are all dying to know what the hell Katy Perry means when she threatens to “melt your popsicle”. And, according to Google, this site holds the answer.

Now, while I am flattered at the attention, and have already given myself the title Minister for Sustainable Popsicles (I’m here if you need me, Julia), I have to admit that I:

a) don’t really have the definitive answer, and
b) am surprised anyone expected to gain understanding from a Katy Perry lyric?

I mean, there’s no denying that the woman can maneouvre that nubile young body through some fairly catchy titties—I mean ditties—but has anyone ever come away from one of her songs feeling philosophical about the underlying message? I don’t really think that Katy Brand nee Perry nee Hudson actually believes in layers at all. Not in her hair, not in her outfits, not in her songs, and not in her husband.  

I think that maybe the most we can discover, when dissecting the lyrical frog that is ‘California Gurls’, is the blatant abuse of a mixed metaphor.

I mean, we can all agree that the “popsicle” in question is a man’s penis, right? RIGHT? (Please don’t tell me I’m the only person who jumped to that conclusion; that would say a lot more about me than it does about our mate Kazza.) If a popsicle is indeed meant to be as phallic as it sounds; what, exactly, does it mean to “melt” it? Is there some horrible genetic mutilation fetish at play? I’m suddenly not as keen to bop my head to this song if I’m to believe that K.Per secretly hopes that my junk will liquefy into a useless pool, like that time I put my G.I. Joe in the microwave (don’t worry, it was only Windmill, and he’s useless without his Skystorm X-Wing Chopper).

On further thought, I’m pretty sure Katy Perry isn’t hoping to melt our actual popsicles, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. I am pretty sure it’s just a schoolyard-level joke pertaining to the word “sticky’.

Of course, there’s always the alternative -- that she meant actual popsicles. And she was describing the sun-kissed skin of her Californian sistren as being actually hot enough to actually melt them. But if that’s the case, then what is “sun-kissed skin” a metaphor for? Because if she meant actual skin as well, then doesn’t that mean the girls are terribly unwell? Should they not be taken to an emergency room? I remember the last time I had a fever I described my skin as being “hot enough to fry an egg”, but it didn’t make me sound, look, or feel the least bit sexy, and I certainly was in no bloody mood to be singing about it.

Then again, it would go a long way to describing the vivid colours and borderline hysterical concepts in the video for ‘California Gurls’. Fever dream, perhaps?