To celebrate my fancy new site design (do you like? The Baron did it all for me. Bright colours, giant letters – it appeals to my inner child and my inner narcissist!), I’m starting a new regular feature for this blog. It’s called “Just Stop”, and in it I will address important problems facing our society. I will address the source of these problems and tell them to just stop.
I’ll show you what I mean right now, with our very first installment of “Just Stop”:
JUST STOP, MAROON 5
Yes, Adam Levine, your debut album (Songs About Jane) was very good. It was so good you got to ride the wave of its success for three long years. Then came your second album, which proved—according to music journalists—that you weren’t just a one trick pony. But really, a two trick pony is only one whole trick better than a one trick pony. And when those two tricks are singing really high and looking sexy despite having a tiny face on the end of a horse-sized head, the magic can’t last forever.
Now it’s 2010, and you’re back, with a new smash-hit single, ‘Misery’. Except it’s exactly like ‘Makes Me Wonder’, only with slightly different lyrics. Yes, I know that Nickelback’s songs all sound exactly the same too, but if Nickelback jumped off a cliff, would you?
Sorry, now the image of Nickelback jumping off a cliff is in my head, I’m going to need a moment. Ah, lovely.
And I’m back. So, Adam: ‘Misery’. What an apt title. Did you have to suffer much to get your voice to go that high? You sound even more like Beaker than usual. There does come a point where you’re not singing so much as communicating with dolphins. And you know what the dolphins are saying in return? They are saying “ow, my freaking earholes! Why is the beady-eyed human yelling at us?”
If you aren’t going to do anything new, Maroon 5, you need to stop.
Take Green Day and Train with you.
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I couldn’t even tell you any Maroon 5 or Adam Levine songs. Was there one about “This love is taking me over, something something”?
I’m sure they’re just the type of band that says to girls “Yeah, I’m in a band, I’m kind of a big deal, we should totally hook up”. They just have that LOOK about them. Mind you, so do most bands.
I agree. Adam Levine makes me weirdly conflicted. Like, I actually find him physically attractive, but I think he’s only attractive because he’s in a band. That’s not to say I’m one of those people who think a dude is automatically attractive because he wields an instrument (I’m really not); but I think if Adam Levine was, say, a real estate agent, I wouldn’t find him sexy at all. It’s somehow connected.
I call it Rob Thomas Syndrome.
I agree about Misery. The verse is so … Maroon 5 monotonous. I mean, Mutt Lange worked on it, you would think there would be a KEY CHANGE or something.
As to Adam’s hotness, I think it’s because he’s just the right amount of cocky to be sexually frustrating. Rob Thomas is hot because he’s … just hot. If he were, say, in one of my classes, I would be staring at him all the time.
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