Did She Just Melt My Popsicle?

I am never sure what to make of Katy Perry. One minute I think she’s just awful. The next minute? Cute as a button. One song I’ll hate, and one song I can’t help but bounce along to. Sometimes it’s actually the same song. She says stuff as a judge on American Idol and I get all excited and fall in love with her. She says stuff on Twitter and I’m all “SHUT UP PERRY”. Also, she looks like Zooey Deschanel, but she’s engaged to Russell Brand. She is an infuriating ball of contradictions, moulded into this little pixie shape, with big round things sticking out the front of her. (What? I mean her eyeballs, filthy. They’re humungous! She looks like an anime version of herself! It’s kind of cute!)

This dichotomy I feel is not being assisted in the slightest by her brand new single, California Gurls. I mean, for a start, it is spelled incorrectly, which makes me angry. Also, it makes me think of David Lee Roth, which makes me sad.

I think, on the whole, I don’t like this song. I don’t exactly hate it*, but I don’t particularly enjoy it either. So, my final ruling on California Gurls? Meh.

Then I saw the film clip.

No, don’t skip past. You have to click through to watch it. This is more important than anything else you’ve got on today:

I know, right? Look, let’s just get this out of the way, right off the bat:

KATY PERRY DESTROYS A SNOOP DOGG HELMED GUMMY BEAR ARMY BY FIRING WHIPPED CREAM FROM HER BAZOOMS.

Now: is that sentence appalling, or is it tremendous? Is it a tragic indictment of pop music/celebrity/feminism/some other thing in this day and age, or is it the most awesome assembly of words ever provided by the English language? I am seriously at a loss.

I mean sure, she’s wearing that hideous assortment of wigs, but she’s also wearing a cupcake bra! Sure, Snoop looks a bit bored in places, but she rescues her back up dancers from their confectionary prisons! Sure, she stops to lick frosting off a twig like she’s auditioning for bad porn, but SHE DESTROYS A SNOOP DOGG HELMED GUMMY BEAR ARMY BY FIRING WHIPPED CREAM FROM HER BAZOOMS.

The dichotomy continues. Like the Infinite Improbability Drive, Katy Perry somehow manages to exist at every single point on my love/hate scale simultaneously. She’s terrible, she’s wonderful, she’s hideous, she’s cute, she’s reprehensible, she’s adorable.

And despite the fact that the whole thing appears to take place in some kind of vajazzled Candyland bizarro world in which Snoop Dogg is God (Snoop Godd?) and desserts are undergarments, she still doesn’t look like she’s trying as hard as Lady Gaga. Or Christina Aguilera. Or Rihanna.

Also: KATY PERRY DESTROYS A SNOOP DOGG HELMED GUMMY BEAR ARMY BY FIRING WHIPPED CREAM FROM HER BAZOOMS.

That woman, she confounds us all. She’s like a toddler beauty pageant. She may be terrible, she may represent everything you hate, but as long as she keeps taking everything that’s cute and adorable and childlike and slutting all over it, you won’t be able to take your eyes off her.

Or her dairy cannons.

*My three most hated songs? Toca’s Miracle, Khe Sanh and On a Night Like This, in that order - this explains why I also hate indoor soccer, mullets and Rutger Hauer, in that order.