After holding the title of Weirdest Conversation I’ve Ever Had for nearly six months, the unrelenting woman revealed to be Tracey has had her crown snatched from her snappish head by someone new.
This is an actual phone conversation I had today. The ALL CAPS text you see isn’t just for formatting. The man spoke in ALL CAPS. That’s not to say he yelled, as such, he just— well, he spoke in ALL CAPS. The excess punctuation was his, too.
We open on a bracing Melbourne Autumn morning, moments before I realised my day was about to go down the toilet:
“Good morning, [place where I work], this is [Jasper]?”
YES, BUT IS IT [JASPER] [SCHULTZ]? I CAN’T TELL FROM THIS NAME IF YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GIRL OR A BOY. [JASPER] COULD BE SHORT FOR [JASPERELLA].
“Um. No. Definitely a boy. And yes, I’m [Jasper Schultz].
RIGHT. THEN. MY NAME IS [CAPTAIN SNATCHCRAB] AND I RUN. [DOUCHEPOCALYPSE INDUSTRIES] IN [A PLACE]. I WANT TO [UTILISE THE SERVICE YOUR WORKPLACE PROVIDES]. ARE YOU. THE PERSON I SPEAK TO?
“Absolutely! We’re assigned clients by letter, and because [Douchepocalypse] starts with a [D], that means that I will-
IT DOES NOT. START WITH A [D]. IT IS SPELLED DIFFERENTLY. I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR NOT. KNOWING THAT, BUT YOU’RE WRONG. IT STARTS WITH A [SOMETHING OTHER THAN D].
“…Well. Okay. Of course. As it happens, [something other than D] puts you in my jurisdiction anyway, so I’m still the person to take care of you!” I search the name in our database and find eight different [Douchepocalypse Industries] – they’re a franchise. I start with the one that has been recently added. “So, you’re a new client?”
NO. I AM NOT. THIS IS NOT FILLING. ME. WITH CONFIDENCE.
“Woops! Sorry, I assumed this file was yours. We have eight [Douchepocalypse Industries] on file, so I need to find which one is y—”
I DON’T. CARE. HOW MANY. OTHER [DOUCHEPOCALYPSE INDUSTRIES] YOU HAVE LISTED ON YOUR FILE. I OWN THE [DOUCHEPOCALYPSE INDUSTRIES] AT [A PLACE]. IT IS MINE. I BOUGHT IT. I WILL HAVE. MY OWN MESSAGES. THAT MAY NOT BE ANYTHING LIKE THEIRS.
“…”
SO YOU—
“I get it, [Captain]. What I’m saying is that we have eight different listings for [Douchepocalypse Industries], each one has their own set of messages, and I needed to ascertain which ones are yours.”
I AM AT [A PLACE].
“Yes, I did hear you. I have pulled up your file and you have [an existing set of services provided], and you would like to change them?
YES. THAT IS WHY I HAVE CALLED YOU.
“Okay, so I can email this to you for you to go over, and—”
FOR WHAT I PAY YOU I DO NOT. EXPECT TO. HAVE TO SIT HERE AND BREAK MY BRAIN. DO YOU NOT EVEN OFFER A FACE TO FACE SERVICE?
“I…can…come and see you in person, yes.”
THAT IS WHAT I WOULD EXPECT FOR EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS A YEAR. DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR WRITING [THIS PARTICULAR SERVICE]?
“Uh. Well, that is my job. I am the writer, so I do it all.”
I DID NOT KNOW YOU WROTE THE [SERVICE] TOO.
“It’s my job. It’s what you call me for.”
I HAD NO IDEA. IT WASN’T WRITTEN DOWN OR MENTIONED. TO ME. SO YOU WRITE THEM?
“Yes. And we can sort it all out when we have our meeting. When would—”
WHEN.
“Well—”
THIS WEEK.
“Oka—”
FRIDAY.
“Afternoo—”
NO. THIS WEEK IS NO GOOD. NEXT WEEK. MONDAY. 9AM.
“That’s fine, [Captain]. I will be at your premises on 9am Monday.”
SO WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS PAPERWORK I HAVE? DO I FAX IT TO YOU?
“What paperwork? Is it a reminder notice to [update our services]?”
NO. NO. IT IS A CONTRACT. I HAVE IT. I WANT TO FAX IT TO YOU.
“Why don’t you just hold onto it and I will pick it up when I’m there on Monday?”
I WANT TO START ON THIS QUICKLY. CAN IT BE MADE ANY QUICKER BY ME FAXING IT TO YOU NOW?
“Nothing will happen until after we’ve had our meeting anyway, because I won’t be [providing our service] until I have all the information I need.”
FINE. I WILL SEE YOU ON. MONDAY. AT 9AM. IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. TELL ME. IF. FOR EXAMPLE. ON FRIDAY. YOU REALISE YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. CALL ME. I DON’T HAVE A SECRETARY. I ONLY HAVE WORKING STAFF. SO IF YOU CALL. AND I AM NOT AROUND. LEAVE A MESSAGE. AND SAY WHAT THE MESSAGE IS ABOUT.
“Fine.”
GOOD. BYE.
Judging by his rudeness, speech patterns, frequent pauses and overall disdain for humanity, I’ve concluded that he is a Dalek.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I WANT. TO. HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE. FACE TO. FACE ON MONDAY.
It has just occurred to me that he could have been Christopher Walken.
How can you leave a message that isn’t about what the message is about? Yes, this is the most baffling to me.
I love it. Especially the part where he implies that secretaries don’t do any work.
“I DON’T HAVE A SECRETARY. I ONLY HAVE WORKING STAFF.”
Was he the same in person? “Scooch closer, Jasper. SCOOCH!”