Not Enough Gays In The Week

This weekend saw not one, but two gay rights rallies being held in Melbourne. On the same day. One was for gay marriage rights; one appeared to be a generic rally against homophobia (which, really: It’s a good thing all homophobes are ignorant and stupid, otherwise they’d have the forethought to assemble when we’re all congregated in the one place at one of these rallies and take us out en masse. Come on, gays – shouldn’t we be spread out all over the place, like those six guys who each know a segment of the Coca-Cola formula?).

Now, obviously I’m all for gay rights and against homophobia. I would like it to be legal for us to marry (my mum’s been married three times, so it must be awesome); in fact, I would like for the issue of our equality to be a total non-issue. Just like it’s a preposterous notion to us that there was a time when women couldn’t vote, I would like us to be able to look at this struggle for same sex rights with the same level of incredulity.

However, I am also all for organisational skills. And that is something that your average garden-variety homosexual seems to lack. According to the hastily slapped up posters around the Fitzroy area, there is a same sex rally, march, protest or other miscellaneous gathering every three or four days. I think this dilutes the strength of our messages somewhat. If I actually supported these causes with the full force of my presence by attending every single one of these political events, I’d be left no time in the day to actually BE gay.

And maybe that’s the point. Has anyone stopped to consider that all these gay rights protests are actually organised by homophobes in order to keep us so busy that we’ll have no time to sleep with each other or watch Glee? The same way you keep a mischievous dog from chewing shoes and digging holes by taking it to the park and letting it run around until it gets too exhausted to cause trouble? The same way they keep Brian McFadden from recording too many singles by continually giving him TV shows to front?

That’s right, people. Another conspiracy busted wide open by yours truly.

In other gay news (not Brian McFadden, you fools – he loves soccer and Delta Goodrem, so he can’t be…wait); today is International Day Against Homophobia. So let me get this straight (I swear, these just come naturally, I’m not even trying) – the world is encouraged to not be homophobic for one day only? What about the other three hundred and sixty-four days? Shouldn’t every day be a day against homophobia? I think in 2010 we can afford some slightly loftier goals. And what do I, personally, get out of this International Day? At least on International Secretaries Day they get a bunch of flowers or an extended lunch break.

Look, I know its heart is in the right place, and I support the sentiment, but I’m just not at all comforted by the idea of International Day Against Homophobia. If I get set upon by a gang of bigoted thugs on my walk home from work tonight, I doubt screaming “are you mad? It’s May 17! Check your calendars!” will get me far.

But if there MUST be an International Day Against Homophobia, I suggest it be moved to some day in February. February is Black History Month in the US, and I reckon a day against homophobia in Black History Month could make the average bigot’s head explode.

Failing that, I’d like the day moved to coincide with International Secretary’s Day. At least then I could maybe scrounge a free morning tea out of it.