Cosmo Hates Your Penis

You know when you see old people shout back at the television when they see something that makes them angry, and you kind of shake your head at them because oh, old people are just so silly? I’m about to go one better. I am going to shout back at a magazine.

The magazine in question is the May, 2010 Australian edition of Cosmopolitan. If you want to find the magazine for yourself, you’ll spot it from the cover story “Lingerie Superheroes” (I have no idea). Oh, and the celebrity on the cover who has been airbrushed so heavily that they are barely recognisable is Kate Hudson. I think. Maybe it’s Megan Fox. No no, I’m sure it was Kate Hudson. It was definitely a Kate. Maybe Winslet, though. Beckinsale? Oh, who can tell. It was probably Helen Mirren.

The article is called 99 (Very Spicy) Sex Bites, which came with the tagline “These saucy morsels are all 25 words or less – just a little taster before your main course!” – it was written by one of Cosmo’s senior editors in the US, Bethany Heitman. The reason I want to shout at this article is because most of these Sex Bites are either silly or painful or both. Yes, painful. I understand that not everyone is as prudish as me, and that sex+pain can be a thing, but seriously. Some of these suggestions are not only painful, they’re convoluted. A simple punch in the face would probably be less of a disruption to the overall sexual experience.

Out of the 99 Sex Bites, I have included the 70 or so you should probably just ignore, unless you hate men and want them to bleed. (Affirmative Action is so last century – these days it’s full blown Affirmative Terrorism!)

1. Drop by his place unexpectedly wearing stilettos, a trench…and nothing else.
Yes. Because nothing turns a guy on faster than bad porn/Michael Douglas clichés. Not to mention the fact that women in Australia are rarely afforded the opportunity to wear trenches.

3. Rub his nerve packed frenulum (where the head of the penis meets the shaft) with your thumb using medium pressure.
No! Don’t do this! By all means pay attention to the frenulum, but ‘nerve packed’ also means ‘sensitive’. Medium pressure with your thumb? You’re trying to arouse the guy, not rub off a stamp.

4. Lube up his shaft, get on top, and slide up and down against him – never letting him actually enter you.
Nothing says “love” more than high anticipation denial. Next time you’re out for dinner, let him order his favourite dish, wait until it is placed down in front of him, then just before he gets his first mouthful,  grab the plate and fling it over your shoulder. His senses will be tingling and he’ll love you all the more for it. Won’t he?

5. While he’s kissing you, suck on his tongue seductively, imitating what you do to his penis.
Yes, well, considering what is suggested be done to his penis later in this article, I’d advise against imitating it anywhere. Except maybe on someone you hate.

6. Try Skype sex. Keep your camera pointed above your shoulders, so he sees just your O face.
I don’t even…what?

7. Lick your lips before heading downtown; it lets him know you enjoy it, making it even more pleasurable for him.
Okay. Here will be the first time I’m going to say something that apparently requires repeating many times throughout this article: Stop overthinking the blowjob. Just put the damn thing in your mouth*: job (pun intended) done. You can lick your lips or toss your hair or moan or do it while straddling a mountain lion, I guarantee he doesn’t care. He may not even notice.

8. On the ride home from a night out, touch his knee. The closer to home you get, the closer you move towards his package.
Handy hint: Any sex tip that sounds vaguely like it could be conveyed using a graph, and thus resemble a mathematical equation? It’s not sexy.

13. Wear boy shorts during sex (just have him pull them aside). The fabric will create phenomenal friction against his shaft.
There seems to be this misconception that all friction is good friction. This, ladies and gentlemen, is not true. Some friction is quite awful. Friction against fabric might be nice for a while, but eventually someone is going to chafe. You’re having sex, not attempting to light a campfire.

14. While he’s down south, have him trace sexy words with his tongue to mix things up and introduce new sensations.
Surely these can’t be particularly long words? How much room have you got down there? If it’s big enough for “sexy” messages, maybe you should take up some Kegels.

15. Make a regular sex date with your partner – the anticipation on that day will get you both in the mood.
Since when is diarising something hot? Has an Outlook appointment ever really whipped you into a frenzy?

16. Pucker your lips and make him fight to insert his tongue while he’s kissing you.
Mmm, make him feel like he might be forcing himself on you! Because rape is sexy!

25. Stay silent until you’re about to orgasm…then let yourself go. It’ll drive him wild.
And by “drive him wild” of course you mean “drive him insane with self-consciousness and fear that he’s doing it wrong and not giving you any pleasure at all”? “Drive him to having to check if you’re actually awake”? “Drive him to dump you with this game-playing bullshit”?

27. During oral sex, gently knead his testicles with the heel of your hand.
Never, ever, ever do this to a man’s testicles. Are you out of your fucking mind?

28. Take as much of his package as you can in your mouth, and suck firmly – he’ll absolutely love the pressure.
This is called a blowjob. If you need Cosmo to teach you this method, you’re doing it wrong.

30. Try role-playing. Every guy has a teacher/student fantasy, so grab a ruler and make him call you “Miss”.
This is a cliché. It is also borderline offensive. I won’t push the “offensive” angle because, quite frankly, I have no right. Women have been offended more times in the time it has taken to type this sentence than men will be all week. HOWEVER: not “every” guy has this fantasy. I’m sure some do – clearly poor Bethany has had a string of unimaginative men. But maybe, rather than burying your face in this ridiculous magazine, you could, say, ask your partner what turns him on? Or just ask if he’s ever slept with Bethany Heitman. If the answer is “yes” – well okay fine. Go grab the ruler.

32. When he does something you like, dig your nails into his back. It shows that you love it.
Or, just like #30, you could, oh I don’t know, TELL him that you love it? Bleeding just isn’t sexy.

34. Bounce while you’re on top of him. The sight of your breasts jiggling like crazy will be super arousing for him.
Yes, but be careful if you’re combining this with #71 (we’ll get there). You’ll chip a tooth.

38. Post shower, let him bend you over the sink, and take you from behind. Maintain eye contact in the mirror.
Prior to this, check your home and contents insurance, because if you pull the sink out of the wall it will be costly and may kill the mood. If this does happen, I’m sure a swift punch to the balls a la #27 will make things steamy again.

44. Keep two wet washcloths in the fridge. Post sex, whip them out to give each other a refreshing cool down.
And forever associate sex with a trip to KFC. Tremendous. Hey, maybe this is hot for the bedroom – some people really dig on KFC. But I’d be worried about the flipside to this Pavlovian response: cracking a raging boner at the sight of a 21 piece bucket.

48. Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles will make him quiver.
See #7. Time spent retrieving, opening, and pouring the sparkling water is time spent not sucking his dick, and is therefore wasted. Leave it.

50. Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other – like you’re opening a jar.
Is this before or after you’ve punched him in the ‘nads? Let’s be sensible about this. Is opening a jar sexy? Has it ever been sexy? Is opening a jar, in fact, usually quite a violent activity, particularly when you’re opening it for the first time? Yes. So NEVER EVER DO THIS. HIS PENIS IS NOT A JAR.

54. Always keep your lips tense when using them on his member – the firmer, the better.
No! Not ‘always’! What is wrong with you, Bethany? I despair for the trail of horrified men with bleeding mid-sections you’ve left in your wake. Firmer is NOT better. Save your tense lips for opening your jars, crazy woman!

59. Lick his shaft and then slowly breath hot air onto it. The warming combo of your tongue and breath is killer.
The penis is made up of blood vessels into which already very hot blood should be flowing steadily by this point. If his penis needs heating up? You’re doing it wrong.

60. Turn your vibrator on low and place it against the underside of his shaft.
Maybe this is successful? But I’d probably vocalise what you’re doing first. A vibrator making it’s way down towards his undercarriage with no warning may terrify him. Or it may excite him, thus revealing something about him you may wish you never knew.

61. Have sex in an empty bathtub. The confined space forces you to get creative.
Yes, and the ice cold porcelain and lack of anything to get a grip on will make the exercise so ridiculous it will seem like one of those awkward challenges people do in reality shows! Seriously. Do you need to be forced to be creative? Are you that boring? Get out of the bathtub.

62. Skip the whipped cream and melted chocolate and try pudding. It’s less sticky and feels nice and warm on your skin.
Again, maybe this will work. All I would suggest is that you know how to work your microwave first. Poorly nuked, thermonuclear pudding will burn like a bitch.

63. Post-orgasm, gently squeeze his testicles. It’ll give him a sexy aftershock.
Don’t squeeze them! Just touching them is fine. Unless you want a sexy after elbow-to-the-head.

65. Lightly wrap a beaded necklace around his package then move it back and forth.
NEVER EVER DO THIS! A) Attempting to put jewellery on his dick is even more emasculating than that time you asked to GHD is hair. Stop it. B) WHY DO YOU HATE HIM? STOP TRYING TO HURT HIS PENIS.

71. Wear a blingy necklace during sex. It’ll draw more attention to your breasts.
I can’t even count the things wrong with this sentence. I could have done a whole blog entry about #71. I won’t bother mentioning that wearing a ‘blingy’ necklace will probably just be hilarious, and not sexy. I won’t bother mentioning that a necklace IS bling, and that the phrase ‘wear a blingy necklace’ is like saying ‘wear pantish pants’. I will just approach this from a primal angle: I can guarantee, with 100% certainty, even as a gay man, that he is already paying attention to your breasts. Men are obsessed with breasts. He is loving the hell out of those puppies already. If anything, wearing a ‘blingy’ necklace will simply obstruct his view.

72. Before he becomes too hard and gets too big, take his whole penis in your mouth.
And if he is already too hard/big? Just twiddle with your blingy necklace or try out your jar-opening manoeuvre agan. He’ll soften rght up.

73. Set your mobile alarm for 3am, and then wake him up for a quickie.
Stop scheduling. We’ve established this isn’t sexy. He’s not a client. (Unless you’re a prostitute, in which case hey, do whatever you want. It’s not my place to tell you how to run a business.)

75. When on holidays create rituals – like, sex every afternoon at 3pm followed by a nap.
STOP SCHEDULING, DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

76. Suck his tip while running your nails along his shaft.
Again with the nails. So far, this poor man’s penis has been rubbed with a thumb, opened like a jar, abrased from too much rubbing against boy-leg shorts, and wrapped in a necklace. If it isn’t already bleeding or completely retracted into his body, the nails will finish off the job. Then you’ll have to clear all those Outlook appointments you’re obsessed about to make room for all the medical and/or psychological appointments he’s going to need.

79. Ask your man to fold his tongue and put it inside you, then have him flatten it out.
And if he’s in the 50% of people who can’t roll their tongue like that? Dump him. It’s Darwinism at its finest.

80. Rub the tip of his penis against your lips, like you’re applying lipstick.
But don’t pull that face you pull when you’re actually applying lipstick. That’s just weird.

87. Dim the lights, prop your back against the headboard, and give him a solo-sex show.
Yes, then afterwards you can buy him a videogame and then not let him play it.

89. Hop in the shower with him while wearing nothing but a white tee.
See #71. Again, you’re blocking a full view of your breasts.

91. Self conscious about being too loud in the bedroom? Turn your stereo up to full blast, then moan as loudly as you want.
Don’t bother. If you’re doing that necklace thing, his screams of terror will drown out any pathetic little noise you could possibly drum up.

94. Position yourself next to him on the bed, with your head by his feet. Then, manually stimulate each other.
This way you’ll have tried something new, and the next time circumstances demand he share a bed with a mate/coworker/sister, and they suggest sleeping “head to toe”, he’ll have a nervous breakdown.

99. Pull his hair as he finishes. His scalp has tons of nerve endings, so it’ll feel amazing.
Yeah, do whatever you want now. Over the last few hours he’s had his penis grabbed, rubbed, burnt, twisted, chafed, he’s been “kneaded” in the balls and generally mistreated. Whatever hair hasn’t fallen out from the stress of it is probably fine for a good tugging.

I really am quite concerned that so many of these tips involved pain to men’s…tips. It’s just not necessary. However, I pride myself in solution based thinking. I don’t want to just complain about this article and leave it at that. I have discredited many of these “bites”, the onus on me is to provide suitable alternatives. So I have:

Jasper’s 99 (Very Spicy But Non Life Threatening) Sex Bites For Cosmopolitan Readers!

1. Have breasts.
2. Show them.
3-99. Do whatever you need to do to enjoy yourself. He’s fine now.