Assisted Living

When I get so old and decrepit that I need an assortment of machines to keep me alive, I don’t think I’ll notice the difference. I’m already hooked up to various pieces of equipment and technology; every single one of which is programmed to take care of various elements of my day-to-day existence. That scene in The Matrix where Keanu Reeves “awakes” for the first time? That’s my life. With slightly less goo.

And as my iPhone slowly fills up with apps, it’s getting worse. Or rather, if you’re as lazy as I am: it’s getting better.

(Before I begin elaborating on my existence as a willing slave to SkyNet, I just want to address the technology haters out there. The people who haughtily tell me that I am but a mindless buffoon, incapable of free thought and unconscionably selling my soul to capitalism. To them, I say: oh you, with your baleful glares and angry words. People were using external sources to do shit long before Apple came along. Look at waking up in the morning. Before the “Sleep Cycle” app (more on that later), we had clock radios to wake us up. Before that, it was the regular alarm clock. Before that, a rooster. Before that, I have no idea. I suspect the constant fear of being eaten by a sabre-tooth tiger made one a light sleeper. To look at it another way: if it seems terrible that kids are wasting their lives using the iPhone or the Nintendo DS* for entertainment; remember that in the 1800s people thought it was terrible that kids were wasting their lives rolling a hoop along the ground with a stick for entertainment. I’m not even being hyperbolic. “The Hoop Nuisance” – look it up.)

So, my life and absolving myself of responsibility from it. It’s not as bad as it sounds (despite the fact that I did use the word “Keanu Reeves” and “goo” in the same paragraph. Sorry about that). I just like having stuff done for me. I never had a maid or a gardener or even a dog-washer when I was growing up – hell, when my grandmother had her druthers I couldn’t even get a hairdresser to do my hair – she’d attempt to do it herself. (She figured she was artist; she could create a “cool” hairstyle for me. She failed to realize that while Impressionism looks lovely on canvas, it is less pleasing to look at on scalps.) So now, I revel in delegating. Is that so bad?

So I will look up the weather online rather than just poking my head out the window. So I’ll hold off forming an opinion on a new TV show until I’ve found out what they think at Television Without Pity. So I can’t feel truly relaxed unless my Xbox 360 is plugged in. So I’ve had more than one conversation on Twitter with someone in my immediate audible vicinity. So I’ve located a friend by finding their last check-in on Foursquare** rather than just calling them and asking where they are. So I am no longer capable of deciding whether or not I’ve had a good night’s sleep until I’ve consulted the graph on my iPhone’s Sleep Cycle app (I did, by the way. I had two deep sleep cycles in a row and apparently I also had a lovely dream at about 3:45am). None of these things make me a bad person!

In fact, you’ll notice this is the third time this week that this blog has been updated. I downloaded the Sleep Cycle app three days ago. Coincidence? Let’s face it, all this delegating is making me more productive. Slavery really does get stuff done.

Besides, I’m in Melbourne now. The difference to my social life from when I was in Canberra is staggering. In Canberra I had a big house with multiple housemates: we all shared the same group of friends, so everyone came to us. Now I’m constantly going to eating establishments, trivia nights, skating rinks, comedy shows, glow in the dark mini golf courses (no, really). I need my technology hook-ups – I have to track a tram that’s going to get me to the restaurants I need to research to see if it’s worth paying for out of my rapidly decreasing bank account, the balance of which I need to check. Then, when I’ve done all that, I’ll need something to pass the time while I wait for that tram. It’s all go go go up in here.

Hmm. Now that I think of it, all this technological assistance is actually making me busier. I thought this was feeding my inherent laziness, but it is in fact compromising it. I need to stop this situation, and fast.

I wonder if there’s an app for it?

*I’m kidding, obviously. No one is actually using the Nintendo DS, are they? I mean, besides Delta and Olivia?
** If you try that “FourSquare just makes it easier for people to rob you” argument on me I. will. cut. you. Three weeks ago someone broke into my house and stole my laptop, my wallet, and the keys to my housemate’s car, and I WAS IN THE HOUSE AT THE TIME. Thieves don’t need to track your location to steal all your shit.