My office smells.
Don’t worry, it isn’t of anything sinister. It smells like the fragrance I wear (the name of which I will not divulge for dignity-saving purposes. Some male celebrities just have nice fragrances, okay? Shut up).
The reason my office smells like this is because of a small breakdown I had while trying to figure out how to apply it to myself. I am always confused about what is actually the “correct” way to apply fragrance. Everyone has an opinion on how to do it; and it’s always one of those opinions that can’t exist in harmony with other opinions. “Oh no, you’re not supposed to do that!” they’ll cry, as they recoil in horror away from you, start scoping out the nearest exit and wonder how they ever allowed themselves to sink to the crude depths of being your friend. “What you are supposed to do is this…”
Nothing angers me more than being told I am “not supposed” to do something when, up until that moment, I was under the seemingly false impression it was actually my choice. And people only do it with certain things, and not others. For example, how do you eat a sandwich?
Cut in half diagonally or whole?
Crust on or crust off?
Butter or margarine or nothing?
Simple fillings like Vegemite or a complex assortment of deli items?
There are thousands of possibilities. However, when discussing your favourite sandwich type (and let’s not get sidetracked by the sudden realization that if I’m suggesting “favourite sandwich type” as a hot conversational topic, perhaps I need more going on in my life), you would never tell someone that their sandwich is wrong. It’s just different. It’s just not necessarily how you would do it. You certainly wouldn’t screw your face up in disdain and then demand they get out the bread so they can show you how to do it properly. And yet it’s perfectly acceptable to do it with a fragrance? How is it any different? (I mean conceptually, of course. I realise how making a sandwich and wearing a fragrance differ fundamentally. I’m not suggesting you dab Meadow Lea behind your ear – but in the spirit of this blog topic, if you wanted to do that, it’s fine with me.)
And it’s not like any one method is better than the other. No one can really explain how their “correct” way is superior.
Spray it on your wrists! It’s better that way.
Spray it on your elbows! It’s better that way.
Spray it on the back of your head! It’s better that way.
Spray it on your clothes! It’s better that way.
Spray it on your temples! It’s better that way.
Spray it behind your ears! It’s better that way.
Spray it up your nose! It’s better that way.
Okay, I made that last one up.
And their reasoning for why the other methods are wrong is even more ridiculous, if not at least more inventive:
You can’t spray it on your wrists and rub them together! You’ll bruise the scent! Alright then, I’ll be sure not to let anything come into contact with my wrists for the rest of the day. I’ll just hold my arms out blithely in front of me, looking like I could burst into the chorus of “Like a Prayer” at any second.
You can’t spray it on more than once day! The scent will dissipate even quicker the second time! Why, is it upset at being second? Is it spiteful?
You can’t spray it on directly! It will be too strong! You have to spray the air in front of you and walk through it. This is my particular favourite. In fact, it needs a new paragraph:
WHAT? Come on. This can not possibly be more effective. Not to mention that it is surely a waste. Furthermore, it looks ridiculous – nobody can walk through a cloud of perfume without looking like Diana Ross entering a room. And finally, it is dangerous – I know more than a few people who have sprayed their Diana Ross cloud a bit too high, only to end up with stinging eyes and a running nose instead of the vaguely fragrant décolletage they were hoping for.
So what does this have to do with my emotional breakdown and smelly office? Well I am a person who is always open to new ideas. (Well, I am nearly always open to new ideas. I am sometimes open to new ideas? Okay fine, I’m so set in my ways I’m practically on rails, but hey, I do like to smell nice.) I like to try new methods in the hope of finding the method of applying fragrance that suits me best. Today I got confused as to what method I was up to, what was working and what was not, and so I flipped out and did every method. I sprayed it on my wrists, my arms, my neck, my ears, my feet, down my pants, the back of my head – and then I sprayed a big cloud (far too high) and Chain Reactioned the hell out of that thing.
So now I have stinging eyes, a running nose, the taste of (no doubt dangerous) chemicals in my mouth and I smell bruised, spiteful and cloudy.
With spicy top notes.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I have a method to add to your list, and it has its basis in science. You spray the fragrance in the centre of your chest, roughly where your heart is. This is the centre of your body’s electrical activity, and thus the warmest part of your person. Because of that, the fragrance disperses slowly throughout the day and the blah blah warmth blah blah science blah blah scent blah.
Should I go purchase a gas mask before I collect you for dinner?
I am already warmer than everyone else everywhere! If I spray it anywhere warmer I’ll just smell like a particularly clean sauna. And no gas mask required, I suspect the spiteful dissipation will kick in any second.
-Jasper