I recently took up what can only be described as one of the most impractical activities known to man.
This is what I do: I wear heavy boots with long, stainless steel blades running along the bottom of them. I then attempt to remain upright on these beknifed boots while skittering across a body of water that is being kept frozen (despite it being over 20 degrees Celsius outside).
I call it Frozen Knifebooting.
(Or just ice skating.)
For two hours last Sunday at Melbourne’s* Ice House (oh, did I mention? I have relocated! The Jasperverse is now coming to you live from Melbourne!), I traced long arcs around the ice; negotiating my way around and over (and this one time, under) flailing child arms, slow moving teenage girls, clumsy show-offs, and just generally bewildered souls who kept accidentally facing the wrong direction. It was just like walking through a crowded shopping centre, except with more chance of getting a concussion or having a finger sliced off (unless you’re talking about Woodridge Plaza Shopping Centre in Brisbane, where concussion or injury by blade is almost guaranteed – you’re better off ice skating. Hell, you’re better off playing ice hockey).
Now, for someone as prone to injury as I am, I did remarkably well in my knifeboots. It helped to have coaching from Stevivor, a fully qualified teacher (well, he’s Canadian, it’s the same thing). I didn’t break a bone, I didn’t hit anybody, I didn’t even fall over. To give you an indication of what a big deal this is, let me explain what I mean by “prone to injury”:
- I once fell ass first into a cactus garden when I lost control of my tricycle on a ramp. It was a tricycle. The number one method of stopping movement on a tricycle is just to stand up, but I did not.
- While using my laptop in bed, I have lost control of the perfectly still laptop and had it lurch forward and smack me in the head. This has happened more times than I care to remember.
- I once punched myself in the testicles when I tried to reach into my pocket for my phone. I clearly reached too quickly (not to mention in entirely the wrong direction).
- I have been hit in the face with a boat - I was actually in the boat at the time.
- I have been hit in the face with another boat – I was in the middle of a three-lane road at the time.
So to have come out of my very first ice skating expedition with all my faculties intact is quite an achievement. Of course, having made this achievement I am now convinced that I am born to ice skate, and will be heading back to the Ice House with alarming regularity.
What’s the worst that could happen? As long as there are no tricycles, laptops or catamarans on the rink, I should be okay.
