Jasper Schultz

For the most part, I am an optimist. I like to see the world as a pleasant place, full of goodness and light.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who don’t share my view. Furthermore, they are constantly angered – threatened, even – by my positivity, and seek every opportunity to destroy me.

One of these people goes by the name of Jeb. He is a bitter, joyless man whose sole mission in life is to break my spirit, by showing me the very worst that humanity has to offer. If it’s appalling in any way, it is at the top of Jeb’s List Of Things To Show Jasper To Kill His Soul. For ten years now, he has tried to conquer my joie de vivre…

…and this morning, he succeeded, with the final blow of a one-two punch that could shatter the most resilient optimist.

First there was this. This weakened my resolve considerably. Being forced to face the reality that Naomi Robson is coming (as she herself so ominously words it) is enough to shake the foundation of any joy-based belief system. 

And the death blow came this morning when he posted a photo of a new celebrity-endorsed alcoholic drink.

The celebrity is Marilyn Manson, the alcohol is Absinthe, and the name of this product?

Mansinthe.

Seriously. MANSINTHE? I despair for the state of puns in this day and age. I realise I may be biased here, because it appalls me that Marilyn Manson is still doing anything that doesn’t involve hanging his head in shame (no, I’m not being unreasonable – he turned my girlfriend’s boyfriend into a vampire, remember?) – but Mansinthe just seems like the lamest thing ever.

I don’t begrudge the celebrity endorsement – from Paul Newman’s salad dressings to Kylie Minogue’s home furnishings, even Taylor Swift’s greeting cards (cute but flimsy, ephemeral and with not a lot to say? How perfect for her) – they all have a place. I am almost certain I could never make Justin Timberlake’s jeans work on me, but I’m glad they’re out there.

But Marilyn Manson? And MANSINTHE? He has never shown regard for decency in the past, constantly blurring the lines between art and vulgarity, between male and female, between music and experimental noise. But blurring the line between good and bad puns? What if THIS is the thing that gives him relevance again? It could fling open the doors for every celebrity hoping to make a buck. Your local pub could soon have shelves lined with Seann William Scotch, Jane Curaçaoski, Bourben Affleck, Jason Shiraz and Jon Voightdka.

And then there’ll be merchandise tie-ins, and the lines will blur even further. Fiction and reality will collide as we slowly get wasted on Sam & Dean Gin-chester, Dexter Morg-rum and Saké Stackhouse.

Are you happy now, Jeb, you spiteful aggregation of misery? I now hate the world, just like you always wanted.

I need a drink. Who’s got the Marlon Brandy?

Filed under:
things I don't get, things that indicate the end is nigh by Jasper