Who is Chloé Treend?
In the 1957 novel Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand posed the question “Who is John Galt?”
Today I pose a much more serious question: “Who is Chloé Treend?”
It’s a question – possibly the first question in a series of many that could unwrap an entire conspiracy -- that I stumbled across last night while watching “Party Max with Jabba” on Music Max (it’s Jabba at his best – informative, entertaining, and completely superfluous). The timeless classic Ooh Ahh…Just a Little Bit by Gina G started playing and, being a dance film clip from 1996, I was of course mesmerised. (Just FYI? This is one of World Wide Jeb’s favourite songs.)
About half way through the second chorus (by my calculations, roughly the 47th “ooh ahh”) I thought I recognised one of the backup dancers.
That woman there, in the lime green (possibly yellow) dress? That is the same woman you will find in the video for White Town’s Your Woman.
And her name…is Chloé Treend.
“So what?” I hear you ask. “She’s a back up dancer who managed to land more than one gig. What of it?” Ah, but there is more. So much more. This cavorting, omnipresent, music genre hopping vixen Chloé Treend not only kicked up her heels with Gina G and White Town, but she also sang herself -- for she is ALSO none other than one half of T-Shirt, the duo responsible for this triple platinum Australian hit!
Chloé Treend. In the 1990s, you couldn’t escape her. She was everywhere and nowhere all at once.
And by now you’re probably starting to wonder the other places you’ve seen her. In other music videos? Yes. In a Reese Witherspoon film? Yes. Perhaps staring at you, knowingly, from behind a pair of sassy glasses? Yes.
That’s right. She has modelled for Specsavers. Even optometry isn’t safe from her never-ending quest for power.
I know how to pick my battles, and this is not one I can win. When Chloé Treend comes for me (and she will -- she will come for us all) I will lay down arms immediately. I only hope what I’ve written here convinces you to do the same.
If you don’t? Consider this: in Atlas Shrugged, John Galt was the man who had the power to stop the motor of the world.
But John Galt never danced at Eurovision.
Wise choice, laying down arms when she comes for you. Did you know she’s also an accomplished martial artist? She’ll fuck your shit up good. Not only that, she’s skilled in the terrifying art of martial arts/dance combination. So skilled, she TEACHES IT:
“[Chloé] is an accomplished … martial artist and will teach the new style of martial arts/dance combination class. Chloe will also teach catwalk, inner confidence and commercial dance…”
See here: http://inthearts.com/pages/uca-teachers/chloe-treend/
I knew she was an accomplished martial artist, but I had no idea she TAUGHT martial arts dance! Maybe I will defect to her side in her quest for world domination. I could be one of her henchmen. All I ask in return is that she teach me how to kill a man with my bare hands in 4/4 time.
-Jasper
There is so much diversity to this woman, it blows me away!
It appears that she is in the UK though. So she might not come for a while…
You should check out her website http://www.chloetreend.com – there’s even show reels on it!
Ah yes, James, but if you read her bio on http://www.chloetreend.com you’ll see that she is WELL aware of Australia – she knows that this is the one place where her T-Shirt song went gangbusters! She would feel a certain affinity with this country – when it’s time for her to take her throne, in Australia is where she will start…
-Jasper
Don’t worry. At some point, just like Fiona Horne, all she’ll have left is a Twitter account and some spin cycle classes to teach (hilariously true story).
Also, YES I LOVE GINA G, mostly because of the opportunities she presents for my eventual plan in covering pop songs as metal. Ooh Ahh is the tip of the iceberg and, in my opinion, forms an insuperior example of her work. BEHOLD:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaMOjAsCGzc
And, dare I say it, her finest work:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c-mUIATKds
It is also worth noting that a friend of mine saw her perform at Star City in the 90s, and couldn’t separate her poor dental hygeine from the performance.
DON’T THREATEN CHLOÉ SHE WILL DANCE-KARATE YOU TO DEATH!
I know a rock band in Canberra (yes, not quite metal, but whatever) that often picks out lame-ass songs to cover. They’re always awesome.
And my biggest problem with Gina G is that when I look at her, all I see is Rhonda Burchmore.
-Jasper