Sometimes there is such a thing as too much media spin.

One of the perks of my job (and I use the term “perks” about as loosely as Ke$ha uses the term “singer”) is the random assortment of media releases I get from the most bizarre of places. I don’t know how my name ended up on their media lists, or what they think I can do for them (especially as I haven’t been a regular on-air announcer since 2008) – but bless them, they appeal to me for help from all corners of the earth. I receive copies of the latest country music “hits”, the latest news from the fast-paced world of netball and, my personal favourite, pages and pages of propaganda from Cyrus Brooks – the vice president of the Australian Church of Scientology. (I have to admit, I actually read the stuff from Cyrus, because it is ALWAYS HILARIOUS.)

Today, I received a press release from Australian Marine Conservation Society, the subject heading of which was:

“HELP SAVE THE CHEETAH OF THE SEA!”

Naturally, I was intrigued by this metaphor. When I think of cheetahs, I think: the world’s fastest land animal…sleek and muscular…often over-looked for the more “crowd-pleasing” lion or tiger… So I was excited to see what sea creature could possibly be bestowed with the title “Cheetah of the Sea”.

And so I read on:

“Your action is needed to help protect our vulnerable sharks. Built for speed, mako sharks are highly migratory…”

Hold up. Sharks? This press release is about sharks?

For the benefit of the Australian Marine Conservation Society, and for anyone playing along at home, allow me to explain something:

SHARKS > CHEETAHS.

You can’t upsell sharks. They’re SHARKS. It’s a very basic principle. If you’re trying to get me excited about sharks, you won’t succeed by likening it to a lesser animal. It won’t work. Sharks are already as awesome as you’re going to get. The mere mention of them already has me excited. A cheetah metaphor doesn’t enhance the image of the shark – because that is not actually possible.

If, on the other hand, you were trying to get me excited about cheetahs by calling them ‘The Sharks of the Land’, that would be a success. Do you see how this works?

Let me explain this another way: You could describe Miley Cyrus as “the Jack Bauer of the Disney Channel”, and that would give me a fair indication of what you’re talking about.

But to describe Jack Bauer as “the Miley Cyrus of CTU”?

Disastrous.

Filed under:
things I don't get, things that are work related by Jasper