Jasper Schultz

You know the worst part about returning to work after a Christmas break, regardless of its length? It’s not having to go back to a regular routine of waking up early, eating properly and wearing pants. It’s something much, much worse.

I might be exposing myself as some kind of horrible misanthrope here; but I really, really hate having to tell the “What I Did Over Christmas” story to every single person within spitting distance of my desk. If they didn’t already read about it on Facebook, or if I wasn’t in touch with them at any point over the actual holiday period, chances are we’re not close enough for me to want to tell a personal story – or, for that matter, for them for them to really care what I did. They’re just being polite. I hate polite. If I don’t ask you what you did over Christmas, I might be being bad mannered, but at least I’m not being disingenuous.

And they don’t even have the decency to all gather round, campfire-style, so you can tell one story once. No, they time it exactly so that you end up telling the same story on loop for a day and a half. The only thing that changes is the length – slowly the story will get shorter as you get more and more bored with it.

In the interest of comparison, I present to you now my Christmas Story in four different ways. How I told it to the first co-worker who asked, then the fifth, the tenth, and finally, the twenty-fifth. See if you can spot the subtle edits:

The First “Oh, hey! How was your Christmas? What did you get up to?”:
I WENT TO SEE THE FAMILY IN QUEENSLAND. SPENT THE FIVE DAYS IN TOOWOOMBA! THE WEATHER WAS GREAT – IN THAT IT WAS RUBBISH. FOGGY AND RAINY, BUT THAT’S THE TOOWOOMBA I REMEMBER. MY FAMILY WERE ALL IN GOOD FORM – I HAD NOT SEEN MY BROTHER IN ABOUT TWO YEARS, SO THAT WAS COOL. IN FACT, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THE THREE SIBLINGS HAD BEEN IN THE ONE PLACE IN AGES. I GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAVOURITE AUNT & UNCLE, TOO. AND EVERYONE FOLLOWED MY REQUEST – I GOT VOUCHERS FOR CHRISTMAS SO I COULD BUY MYSELF A PS3! FINALLY, I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE CONSTANT COMPLAINING THAT I’M SO HARD TO BUY FOR! HAVE YOU EVER EATEN LICORICE ALLSORT SLICE? MY GOD, IT’S AMAZING. IT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL I ATE FOR THE FIVE DAYS. ANYWAY, AFTER CHRISTMAS I CAUGHT UP WITH MY DAD, AND THEN I FLEW HOME ON TUESDAY AND CAME STRAIGHT BACK TO WORK.

The Fifth “Oh, hey! How was your Christmas? What did you get up to?”:
I WENT TO SEE THE FAMILY IN QUEENSLAND. SPENT THE FIVE DAYS IN TOOWOOMBA! THE WEATHER WAS GREAT – IN THAT IT WAS RUBBISH. FOGGY AND RAINY, BUT THAT’S THE TOOWOOMBA I REMEMBER. MY FAMILY WERE ALL IN GOOD FORM – I HAD NOT SEEN MY BROTHER IN ABOUT TWO YEARS, SO THAT WAS COOL. IN FACT, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THE THREE SIBLINGS HAD BEEN IN THE ONE PLACE IN AGES. I GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAVOURITE AUNT & UNCLE, TOO. AND EVERYONE FOLLOWED MY REQUEST – I GOT VOUCHERS FOR CHRISTMAS SO I COULD BUY MYSELF A PS3! FINALLY, I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE CONSTANT COMPLAINING THAT I’M SO HARD TO BUY FOR! HAVE YOU EVER EATEN LICORICE ALLSORT SLICE? MY GOD, IT’S AMAZING. IT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL I ATE FOR THE FIVE DAYS. ANYWAY, AFTER CHRISTMAS I CAUGHT UP WITH MY DAD, AND THEN I FLEW HOME ON TUESDAY AND CAME STRAIGHT BACK TO WORK.

The Tenth “Oh, hey! How was your Christmas? What did you get up to?”:
I WENT TO SEE THE FAMILY IN QUEENSLAND. SPENT THE FIVE DAYS IN TOOWOOMBA! THE WEATHER WAS GREAT – IN THAT IT WAS RUBBISH. FOGGY AND RAINY, BUT THAT’S THE TOOWOOMBA I REMEMBER. MY FAMILY WERE ALL IN GOOD FORM – I HAD NOT SEEN MY BROTHER IN ABOUT TWO YEARS, SO THAT WAS COOL. IN FACT, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THE THREE SIBLINGS HAD BEEN IN THE ONE PLACE IN AGES. I GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAVOURITE AUNT & UNCLE, TOO. AND EVERYONE FOLLOWED MY REQUEST – I GOT  VOUCHERS FOR CHRISTMAS SO I COULD BUY MYSELF A PS3! FINALLY, I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE CONSTANT COMPLAINING THAT I’M SO HARD TO BUY FOR! HAVE YOU EVER EATEN LICORICE ALLSORT SLICE? MY GOD, IT’S AMAZING. IT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL I ATE FOR THE FIVE DAYS. ANYWAY, AFTER CHRISTMAS I CAUGHT UP WITH MY DAD, AND THEN I FLEW HOME ON TUESDAY AND CAME STRAIGHT BACK TO WORK.

The Twenty-Fifth “Oh, hey! How was your Christmas? What did you get up to?”:
I WENT TO SEE THE FAMILY IN QUEENSLAND. SPENT THE FIVE DAYS IN TOOWOOMBA! THE WEATHER WAS GREAT – IN THAT IT WAS RUBBISH. FOGGY AND RAINY, BUT THAT’S THE TOOWOOMBA I REMEMBER. MY FAMILY WERE ALL IN GOOD FORM – I HAD NOT SEEN MY BROTHER IN ABOUT TWO YEARS, SO THAT WAS COOL. IN FACT, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THE THREE SIBLINGS HAD BEEN IN THE ONE PLACE IN AGES. I GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAVOURITE AUNT & UNCLE, TOO. AND EVERYONE FOLLOWED MY REQUEST – I GOT  VOUCHERS FOR CHRISTMAS SO I COULD BUY MYSELF A PS3! FINALLY, I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE CONSTANT COMPLAINING THAT I’M SO HARD TO BUY FOR! HAVE YOU EVER EATEN LICORICE ALLSORT SLICE? MY GOD, IT’S AMAZING. IT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL I ATE FOR THE FIVE DAYS. ANYWAY, AFTER CHRISTMAS I CAUGHT UP WITH MY DAD, AND THEN I FLEW HOME ON TUESDAY AND CAME STRAIGHT TO WORK.

 See? Technically it’s the same story. Just shorter.

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things that are helpful, things that are true, things that are work related by Jasper