Jasper Schultz

* But not THAT tale of concussion, stupid girls and vampires – this one predates that one by eight years. Also, it is real. The working title of this story was actually “Shut Up, Stephanie Meyer”.

The Conclusion

About a month after I became a teenage swinger for about fifteen seconds, Bella had braces put on. Being Bella, she had no desire to get the invisible kind of braces, she opted for the flashy, brightly coloured ones. Between the wire and the flashes of yellow, green, blue, purple, pink and orange in her mouth, it looked like she was constantly eating an abacus.

Around this sime time, Edward started to explore the Goth sub-culture. If you remember the timeline (it’s 1996), you’ll quickly realise this can be directly attributed to Marilyn Manson.

Side note: without getting into a debate about the validity of the Gothic movement, let me just say that in Queensland, in a town where even in winter the temperature will reach a good 23 (74) degrees, trying to be a Goth is utterly ridiculous. Black clothes, Docs, a long black coat and make-up might be the only way you can express who you really are inside, but it’s the third least practical outfit you can wear in that heat (the second and first being chain mail and scuba gear, respectively).

Now, it’s at this part in the story that details start to get a bit scant, because Bella and I stopped being as close for a short time. Bella was drifting towards also being seduced by the dark mystery of the Goths – and I really, really wasn’t. I mean, come on. I had only just stopped being terrified of smooching a relatively normal girl – I wasn’t ready to dive headlong into a world of beheading plush toys while listening to Type O Negative (and yes, I’m citing a real example). But from what I can gather, between the braces ripping the inside of Bella’s mouth to shreds, and Edward’s complete devotion to his newfound identity as a Goth, Edward and Bella decided it was only a short hop, skip and jump to vampirism.

Bella sat me down one day to make a confession:

I…I just really like the taste of human blood. I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s wrong. I know the body is built to not allow you to ingest too much blood, and should make you throw up. That’s how I know I…I must actually be… a vampire. It makes sense, I’ve never really liked going out in the sun, you know how badly I burn…

Oh, how I wish I could remember more of that ridiculous monologue. But I can’t. It was either drowned out by the screaming inside my head, or repressed completely.

You have to remember, these were dark, uneducated times. We were still eighteen months away from the complete vampire PR overhaul from Joss Whedon and Sarah Michelle Gellar, and many years away from Twilight, Sookie Stackhouse, Blade or the Vampire Diaries. So when she told me she was a vampire, rather than being overcome with the mythic romanticism of it, I decided she was just being an idiot.

We drifted apart a bit further after that.

Towards the end of 1996, Edward was no longer in the picture, Bella seemed to be starting to return to normal, and I was about to move to a town nine hours away. Bella and I became close again, and when I moved away we stayed in contact. We became closer than ever. All through 1997, our last year of high school, Bella and I were like best friends, even if it was only ever over the phone. She was my confidant, my ally, my…all those words that woman sings in the theme from The Golden Girls. She would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say “thank you for being a friend”, etc.

In fact, I started to fall in love with her again. Half way through 1997 we decided that we were basically having a long distance relationship. Not only did this make my heart swell with pride, but it made my high school days a lot easier, because I was able to tell all and sundry that I was NOT a weirdo, nor was I gay, because I had a Girlfriend Who Lived In Rockhampton.

At the end of the school year, Bella arranged to come down and visit me. For three weeks we were actually together, and it was bliss.

Well, two weeks and thirteen days of it was bliss. On the last night, during the farewell party I threw for her, she slept with one of my friends. While I was asleep. And only three feet away.

Turns out she really was a slut.

But not a vampire.

Filed under:
things I don't get, things that are from my childhood by Jasper