Jasper Schultz

Before reading this following scene, you should know three things:

1. My phone ringtone is the theme from 30 Rock, and I suck at onomatopoeia.
2. I ordered all my this year’s family Christmas presents online, but they haven’t been delivered yet.
3. This actually happened. I didn’t even change the names to protect the innocent.

[SIX FORTY-THREE AM]

My (very loud) phone: Diddle-diddle  BWAH! …(daddun dun, daddun dun)
Bom, bom! Bom badabom bom, bom! Bom badabom bom!
(Wana-weeb! Wana weeb-weeb woo! Wana-weeb! Wana weeb-weeb woo!)
Bom (BWAH!!) – bom badabom bom, bom! Bom badabom bom!
(dum dum dum dum dum…)
Diddle-diddle dun dun, diddle-dit dun dun, diddle-dit dun (WAH!) BOM.

Me: …

Phone: …

Me: Phew.

Phone: Diddle-diddle  BWAH!…

Me: Ack!

Phone: …Bom, bom! Bom badabom bom, bom! Bom badabom bom!
(wana-weeb! wana-

Me: Hello??
Woman: Hello, my name is Tracey and I’m calling about a package that was undelivered on Friday.
Me: Yes! Right! Excellent!
Woman Now Revealed To Be Tracey: So I need to organise a delivery, or a collection.
Me: Okay, then.
WNRTB Tracey: Because it wasn’t delivered on Friday.
Me: Oh, it arrived on Friday?
WNRTB Tracey: No.
Me: Oh. Okay. Sorry, I thought you meant that it-
WNRTB Tracey Who Now Seems a Bit Snappish: I just want to organise an alternative time.
Me: Yes, right, sorry. I suppose what normally happens is I have to arrange collection?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBS: Don’t you mean delivery?
Me: Oh, a second attempt at delivery can be arranged?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBS: Well I would hope so. It’s your responsibility.
Me: Ye-e-es. I suppose you’re right. Well I suppose I should sort out which of the two packages we’re talking about! I’ve got two on the go – one going to Queensland, and one for Canberra.
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBS: I’m in New South Wales.
Me: Must be the Canberra one, then. Alright, what time frame is good for you?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBS And Getting Progressively Snappier: As soon as possible, please. I’ve waited long enough.
Me: Excuse me? What’s your problem, it can’t have been longer than one weekend.
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS: I ORDERED IT TEN DAYS AGO.
Me: No, I only ordered it on the…wait, what?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS: What?
Me: WHAT?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS: Are you going to help me or not?
Me: Hold up. Exactly what package are you talking about?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS: Well I can’t say it RIGHT HERE. It’s a CHRISTMAS PRESENT. There are PEOPLE AROUND. [Huff] Hold on. [stomp stomp stomp] Okay. It’s…a crockery set.
Me: Wait. You want a package delivered TO YOU? I see now. I think you’ve called the wrong number.
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS, Also Dumber: [BIGGER HUFF] Well, is there ANOTHER number you can give me?
Me: Number for whom?
WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS,AD: To sort out my problem?
Me: You misunderstand. I have NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
The Unrelenting WNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS,AD:  AREN’T YOU WITH FASTWAY COURIERS?
Me: NO!
TUWNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS,AD: ISN’T THIS XXXX XXX 763?
Me: NO. It IS NOT. This is 765.
TUWNRTB Tracey WNSaBSAGPS,AD And Who Despite Just Making a Complete Tit Of Herself, Refuses To Relinquish Her Snappish Demeanour: Oh. Well. That makes sense now. I just thought you were being completely unprofessional.
Me: Yes, and I just thought you were being a total bitch.

Phone: …

[THE END]

Here are some important lessons I learnt from this morning’s conversation.

1.  If you’re planning to call someone and get into a snit, dial the right number.
2.  Never assume that the person you’re talking to knows what you’re talking about. Recap every detail of your chosen topic, like you’re providing exposition in an episode of Heroes.
3.  Don’t be a bitch before 7am. It won’t work out for anyone.

I hope Tracey’s crockery arrives in pieces.

Filed under:
things that are over by Jasper