Jasper Schultz

I have been single for a long time. My whole life, in fact. A combination of coming out of the closet late, embarking on a career that seriously hindered my ability to date (a career that is thankfully over), and just being a shy, nervous twit are all contributing factors to this.

I bring up my singledom because I feel my twenty-eight year habit of observing relationships, as opposed to participating in them, has given me extensive insight into their machinations. And seeing as this insight has come at the price of my emotional celibacy (not to mention physical, for great vast you-don’t-even-want-to-know-how-long stretches of time), it would be wasteful if I didn’t pass the wisdom on.

And I want to pass it on now because it has been a very tumultuous time for relationships these past few months in the Jasperverse. I’ve known more than a few couples who have broken up. Some couples have come dangerously close to breaking up. Some couples really should have broken up, but haven’t (and a couple of these I just wish would already). And some couples, while not ever actually approaching a break-up phase, seem to have made it their primary objective to make each other as miserable as possible.

And where does this leave me? With miserable friends. And, to a lesser extent, a miserable me; because like a hungry person watching someone else complain about all the food they have, I get to watch a stunning array of douchebags treat their partners like shit.

So, with this in mind, I present:

An Open Letter of Advice to All Girlfriends/Boyfriends, From a Spectator

Your partner: Love them, or don’t. Stop faffing about in the middle.

For a start, stop bickering all the damn time. I am sick to death of people having needless arguments and fights. You’re supposed to be in love, aren’t you? Am I missing something? Because here you are, fighting over something so insignificant it would actually be funny, were it not so frightening to consider what got you into the fight in the first place. And don’t bother with the “we fight because we love each other – it’s couples who don’t fight that lack real passion and love” chestnut. I call bullshit. Couples who are passionate and in love fight about things that matter – things that can make or break a future. Getting pissy over, say, what this weekend’s plans are, and whether or not you feature in them enough, is not evidence of passion. It is evidence of being childish.

Speaking of things that don’t matter – why is it so important to you what your partner spends their disposable income on? Unless you’re actually living together and they are the sole breadwinner, it technically isn’t your business. They should be able to buy as many pairs of Jimmy Choos as they can afford. Or whatever videogame tickles their fancy. They earned the cash – provided they aren’t spending it on something that physically endangers themselves or others; they should be able to spend it as they wish. You should really just back off. Stop bleating about what is and isn’t a “waste of money” – you sound old and ridiculous.

In fact, just stop bleating in general. Haven’t you been told before to stop trying to “change” your partner? Actually, you haven’t. The popular phrase is “you never can change your partner” – which is sort of like a loophole. The unseen, unwritten, unspoken part of that is “you never can change your partner…so try to do it to your heart’s content, as there are no consequences!”  Well, this is just not true. You CAN change them. You can whine, threaten, bribe, cajole, browbeat or just plain force your way to success in this field. The question is, why would you want to? “Changing” your partner usually means making them do something they don’t want to do, or stopping them from doing something they enjoy. Are you okay with this? Let’s recap – this is the person you are in love with; the person you have, for now at least, chosen over all others.  NOW you’re saying there are provisos? I’m sorry, but you were supposed to go through that checklist long ago. You had all the time in the world to decide they weren’t tall enough, old enough, or didn’t share enough of the same tastes – you can’t go tacking on conditions now.

Besides, do you really want to force the person you love into something they aren’t happy with? And do you really want to be the kind of person who forces someone else into something they aren’t happy with? Is getting your way really worth sacrificing their happiness and your humanity?

And there’s the little matter of basic power balance. The number of times I’ve heard a partnered person say they “aren’t allowed” to do something actually wigs. me. out. We will holler all up and down the place about basic human rights, and then go home and tell our partner that they are NOT ALLOWED to, say, go fishing or shopping or out with their friends? Oy. Maybe this will ensure that I will stay single for a lot longer, but if a boyfriend of mine tried to tell me I “wasn’t allowed” to do something, he would quickly find a red mark on his forehead roughly the same size and shape of whatever object it was I last held in my hand. You want someone to boss around? Hire someone. Or have a child. Or go to Subway and order a particularly fussy sandwich. Your boyfriend/girlfriend is your partner, aka your other half, aka an equal, not a subordinate.

I don’t know why relationships are taken for granted. Maybe you’re a serial dater. Maybe you’ve had the same partner since high school. Maybe you have never had a problem getting into a relationship. If so, maybe you don’t realise how lucky you are. But let me tell you something true – you are lucky. Incredibly lucky. You have someone to be with. Someone to care for you when you need it, to love you when you want it, to give you strength when you don’t have it, and to surprise you when you least expect it.

If you aren’t treating this as the wondrous gift it so surely is, then you’re a fool and you don’t deserve any of it. You chose them, they chose you. Behave like your choices are worth something.

And if what you currently have isn’t what you want? Then get out. Get out now. You are not doing anyone any favours by lying to yourself. You’re only going to cause more pain for you, for them, and for the people around you who are right now being forced to watch a train wreck in slow motion.

Love them, or don’t.

Filed under:
things I don't get, things that are helpful, things that are true by Jasper