It Puts iRose in Every Cheek

As I hurtle frighteningly closer to my 29th birthday, I sometimes fear that I may be getting “old”. I don’t know at what point (if there is one) a person suddenly falls out of touch with the youth demographic and becomes a doddering old twit, but it’s probably coming. And the worst part is I won’t know when it does happen – because that’s kind of the point. I worry about this. It keeps me awake at night.

This week, however, I slept like a little baby – safe in the knowledge that no matter how old and daggy I may or may not have become; I’m nowhere near as bad as the marketing department at Kraft.

A couple of months ago, Kraft launched a new version of the seminal Australian product, Vegemite. It’s nothing more than Vegemite mixed with cream cheese – a more convenient way of eating the Vegemite/cheese combo that Australians have been doing for gadonks. (As someone who has always considered Vegemite and cheese to be a waste of good Vegemite and mediocre cheese, I was pleasantly surprised by the flavour – but in my immediate social circle I appear to be the only one, so I’ll say no more about it.)

The thing is, this new variation didn’t have a name. Kraft decided it was up to the people of Australia to name the bastard child of its flagship product. And so the Vegemite: Name Me! promotion began.

As I understand it, the promotion received over 40,000 entries from people eager to be a part of the introduction of the new, “other” Vegemite. And rightly so – history was being made! This was the first time in history that the original formula for Vegemite had been tampered with since…well, since the very first day it was invented, back in 1922 when brewery chairman Fred Walker asked food technologist Cyril P. Callister to “do something that pasty crap we keep chucking out”.

So, brand new Vegemite. And this week, it was finally launched, with its new official name. Out of 40,000 entries, they decided on:

Vegemite: iSnack 2.0.

I am not the first to say it, but nevertheless: I call bullshit.

There is absolutely no way that that was one of the competition entries. Everything about that name positively reeks of the hive-mind of a department of marketing consultants: middle-aged men with greying faux-hawks, Wayne Cooper shirts worn a size too small and an unearned sense of entitlement. In between their already overloaded schedule of ordering “really strong” short blacks (but never actually drinking them), glancing smugly around the room for a reaction every time they say the word “fuck” out loud, and furiously grabbing at their own cocks, they have attempted to tap into the beating heart of youth culture – or, as they call it, the “demo”. And iSnack 2.0 is the fruit of their labour.

Hilariously, news outlets around the country are reporting the new name complete with explanation as to its origin: The move is a bid by the food conglomerate to align the new product with a younger market — and the “cool” credentials of Apple’s iPod and iPhone. Oh? Is THAT where they came up with it? Ingenious! But does that mean one in every eighty jars of Vegemite iSnack 2.0 may spontaneously explode in my face?

I really hope Kraft find some modicum of success with the product itself – but I also hope that they get enough backlash from the Vegemite buying public to change that cringe-worthy name. So whether you genuinely enjoy Vegemite on your toast in the morning; or if you just pretend you like it to screw with foreigners’ heads (and who among us hasn’t told an unsuspecting German tourist that Vegemite is most commonly used as cake frosting?) – stand up and be heard.

At least Kraft succeeded in aligning themselves with one phrase frequently used in the “youth demographic” vernacular: Epic Fail.