Last weekend, my housemate Wolverine decided to set a challenge for all members of The Ponderosa: No swearing. For the entire weekend. From Friday night until Monday morning, Wolverine, Jean-Paul and myself were to be a clean-mouthed household.
I feel I am to blame for this, even though it was Wolverine’s suggestion. She had been watching me repeatedly fail a certain section of Batman: Arkham Asylum; and every time, I would let fly with a torrent of ferocious profanity at the television/game controller/my ungainly thumbs. I was quite obnoxiously foul. If the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan could be artistically re-interpreted as a free-form sonnet, it would sound vaguely like I did at the time. I was making threats and exclamatory statements, the likes of which would make even Kyle Sandilands blush. And it was in the middle of one of these offensively bleep-worthy sprays that Wolverine had her epiphany.
So, no swearing. For 60 hours.
To say this challenge was difficult would be an extreme understatement. The challenge started at 7:30pm, and I had already fallen off the wagon by 7:37pm. I tried to cover it, but I don’t think “I was going to say ‘GAAAH, WHAT A CONT-ROLLER BASED ERROR!’” was convincing at all.
Eventually, though, we got the hang of it. The trick is to find satisfying substitutions. In case you’re planning on cutting down on your own potty mouth, here is a handy guide:
JASPER’S EASY HOW-TO OF “CLAYTON’S” SWEARING SUBSTITUTIONS:
1) Food/Drink
The options are endless! For a start, inspiration is easy – just fling open the fridge. Secondly, if you pick a food that is already considered disgusting by the wider population, then half the work is done. Calling someone Cottage Cheese! is both insulting AND G rated. Certain spirit names work well: Chivas Regal! has a classy undertone, and is spectacularly handy for covering up when you’ve accidentally started to say ‘shit’. And, if you DO want to resort to an old sound-alike, then Pickle Head! should be your go-to phrase.
2) Exotic Locales
This one should is an obvious choice, as you can sound and feel like you’re swearing in a foreign tongue. Zanzibar! was a particular favourite of mine. I have no idea where it is, but you know where I was after yelling it out loud several times? In a sea of calm. Antananarivo! is another solid pick – as the capital of Madagascar, I am appalled that this hilarious name didn’t end up as a gag in either of the Madagascar movies. The bonus of this word as substitute profanity is that it can be extended as required to match your level of fury: ANTANANANANANANANANANANANARIVO!! for those particularly hard moments. And you can’t go past a silent ‘j’ – Reykjavik! is not only a nice, sharp edged word that you can really spit out; but when said at someone it sounds like an entire nasty phrase, like you’re questioning the size and/or effectiveness of their genitalia.
3) Atari 2600 Game Titles
I only discovered this one towards the end of the weekend, but I really wish it had been earlier. When it comes to uniqueness, nostalgia and just base satisfaction, you really can’t beat some old school Atari. Frogger! is both cute AND a sound-alike to a much more common profanity – you can shorten it to Frogging or even Frog if you’re desperate. Galaxian! has that exotic feel AND sounds like an adjective, so if you feel like stepping it up a notch you can try adding it to other substitutes (is there a comeback to being called a Galaxian Cottage Cheese? I think not). But nothing comes close to satisfaction that I felt from screaming ‘oh, PITFALL!‘, and I’m not even sure why. Try it right now, though, and I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.
See?
Now, in the interest of covering my own biscuit, I am going to include a disclaimer, on the off chance you Frog this up, and start screaming capitals of African countries at me:
This is not a 100% guaranteed substitute for swearing.
If you are frequently potty of mouth or fiery of tongue, this will not satisfy you completely. It will take the edge off, but you may find yourself slightly…pent up. On no less than two occasions on the weekend, I was asked by close friends what the Klax was my problem, because I was behaving like quite the Burkina Faso. It eventually dawned on me that I was sitting on a little ball of rage. Normally my frequent use of foul language would double as a pressure release valve, but without it I was operating on a higher level of ferocity than normal. Now, I have read How To Win Friends and Influence People, and nowhere in that book is there a chapter on being a bitey, aggressive, belligerent jackass.
Therefore, I will be reverting back to my regular, profanity-laced ways. Because apparently I have two choices: I can swear, and offend old and/or conservative people; or I can not swear, and offend my friends instead.
Sorry, old/conservative people, you’re shit out of fucking luck.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I also live in a household that’s rife with the sweary words, but there’s no fucking way we could do this shit. So, my fucking hat’s off to you, you cunt.
Sometimes, I’d like to be one of those people who don’t swear, so that when they do everyone knows it’s a Big Deal.
That idea lasts about a day.
The rest of the time, I’ll enjoy adding fuck to phrases in new and exciting ways (currently enjoying the ‘fuckmunch’), in between throwing in the odd ‘fiddlesticks’ or ‘dagnabit’, just to keep them on their toes.
You know. THEM.