Beware Canadians Bearing Gifts

I play a lot of videogames. I would call myself a gamer. I would even, at a pinch, describe myself as a fairly competent gamer. I have enough basic skill to be able to pick up any new game I come across fairly quickly. I am proud of my abilities in this arena.

At least I was. Until I met Stevivor.

That man has been my undoing. I hold him single-handedly responsible for the obliteration of my gaming self-esteem.

It started when I met Stevivor during a recent trip to Melbourne. We had known each other for a few years through various incarnations of blogs and whatnot – but this was our first face to face meeting. Through a previously agreed upon arrangement, I had a package of Pop Tarts to deliver to him. (The semantics of a Canberran purchasing an American breakfast in Brisbane and transporting it to Melbourne to deliver to an ex-Canadian are better left unfathomed.) As a pleasant surprise, Stevivor had a return gift for me: a copy of the Xbox 360 game “NHL 2K6″. An ice hockey game (sorry, it’s just a ‘hockey’ game. Apparently the Canadians don’t bother titting about with that ball-on-grass rubbish).

Now I love presents, and I love videogames, so I thought this was a purely benevolent gesture. Even more so when Stevivor described this game as “the easiest 1000 GamerScore points you’ll ever make”. How nice! 

Of course, in hindsight I realise that this evil bastard’s fruity, lilting Canadian accent disguised what must have been a malicious and mocking tone. Because this game is NOT the easiest 1000 GamerScore points I have ever made.

I have not, in fact, made any. This is the first time I have ever found a game impossible to conquer. And it IS impossible! I can get my team to get a hold of the puck okay, and I can look quite efficient hurtling from one end of the…rink? (I’m originally from Queensland, I know nothing about ice) to the other. I can sometimes even make a show of passing the puck from one player to the next (except for the frequent times when my highlighted player decides to pass it to a member of the opposing team) – but can I score a goal? No, I can not. And the only way I can prevent a goal from being scored by my opponent is when I let the A.I. control the goalie for me.

I have now played this game several times, and every time is exactly the same. I come out with nothing. No points, no unlocked achievements, no GS points. In fact, the last time I played, I swear I heard the normally authentic sounding commentator say something that sounded suspiciously like “No seriously, dude, just give it up and get a refund on this game. You suck so bad you’re embarrassing your mother.”

I could be the worst hockey player to ever exist. Or NHL 2K6 could be the worst game to ever exist. Or, (and this is much more likely) Stevivor could be the worst human being to ever exist: for introducing me to this utterly incomprehensible monstrosity of a sporting game.

I have come to the conclusion that hockey videogames (if not the actual game itself) is another one of those elaborate jokes Canadians play on the rest of the world. Like those excessively thick cuts of bacon. Or Bryan Adams.

So you win this time, Stephen – you foul, treacherous beast. But I’m buying you a cricket set for Christmas. THEN we’ll see.