I’m back! And I didn’t die! I can’t begin to tell you what a relief that is.
Admittedly, I was in very little danger of dying to begin with; but I did have swine flu.
Okay, I’m still not sure whether or not I had actual swine flu. All I know is that I had a vaccination against regular flu, and my housemate had just come back from a trip to Melbourne (which is practically Mexico, the way the media represent it when referring to this particular pandemic), and also it sounds much better when I say I had swine flu. Therefore: I Had Swine Flu.
This isn’t the first time I have exaggerated something to make it sound more impressive. In fact, this isn’t the first time that anyone has exaggerated something to make it sound more impressive. All across the world, people are referring to themselves as “Directors of First Impressions”, “Strawberry Blondes”, and “More Than Just Eye Candy, But A Legitimate Actress Too” – when in actual fact they are merely receptionists, dull redheads, and Megan Fox respectively.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not an indictment, this is an endorsement. Casual embellishment is the cornerstone on which our society is built. Politics, fishing, résumés, men’s sexual egos, John Travolta’s hair – none of these would exist without the aid of a delicately stretched truth.
Without embellishment, boring people could no longer say they “know” Catherine Zeta-Jones; but rather be forced to admit they once got an autograph at a publicity event. Pretentious people could no longer feign quite as many ‘eccentricities’.Vain people could no longer go on and on about how many times they get asked if they are a model.
And my sister would no longer be able to tell anyone who will listen that I once stabbed her; when in actual fact I merely thwacked her on the leg with the HANDLE of my butter knife.
(What? It was 1993, Rocko’s Modern Life was on, and she would. not. bloody. shut up. She had it coming.)
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Sounds like Swine Flu to me. I had it too, and refuse to place any faith in my doctor’s assertion that it was whooping cough (after all, he could have bought his degree on the Internet).
Well, Facebook tells me that I should know James Wan of Saw fame…
He’s my friends cousin
So that’s a legitimate claim to fame.
I <3 you Jasper. I hope we have a commitment ceremony one day…
:P
james
Excuse me, Jasper, it was a massive butcher’s knife and I’m pretty sure you actually stabbed me. I was just sitting there minding my own business, being adorable and whatnot, and YOU STABBED ME! You’re a terrible brother.
See, we can tell you are lying because you described yourself as ‘being adorable’. No jury will believe that. I did not stab you! But I might yet.