Testosterone/Testosteroff

I’m a simple man, with simple machinations: I am a total sucker for any guilt-based leverage, and I’m far too easily bought. That’s really all there is to me.  So, last week, when The Stag discovered that I did not know how to change the oil in my car and, more importantly, had no desire to learn, he devised a cunning plan – he bought me an oil filter. 

I said it was cunning, I never said it was complex.

But what a bastard. He bought me something, thus endearing himself to me, and he bought me something, thus putting me in his debt. I had no choice but to let him teach me how to change my oil.

And teach me he did. I was under a car, being tough. I even got oil stains on my shirt and face. For half an hour, I Was All That Is Man.

But that half hour was soon over, and I miss it. So I’ve decided to make a list of all the manly things I can do. It’s a testament to my testosterone.

Things I Can Do That Are Manly

1) Change the oil in my car
2) Light a fire (without firelighters or kerosene, you dirty cheaters)
3) Sharpen a knife efficiently with a steel (not just clang a knife against something metallic)
4) Change a tyre
5) Chop wood, without driving an axe through my own leg
6) Use power tools
7) Wrestle

Oh, wait. That last one is a bit gay. But it’s still manly.

And now, to counteract all this unhinged testosterone flying about the place:

Things I Can Do That Are NOT Manly

1) Wrap a gift
2) Crochet (but only in a straight line – I can turn a ball of wool into a crocheted ball of wool – it’s quite a useless skill,really)
3) Thoroughly enjoy Gilmore Girls
4) Wear pink, and not even in an ironic way
5) Stare at myself in the mirror for uncomfortably long periods of time
6) Paint fingernails (no, not my own - look, shut up, my mother did it for a living and I happen to be very observant)

Somehow I think I’ve come out the other side of this post even less manly than when I started.