Substitute

I recently became reacquainted with my laptop after an extended absence. It stopped working in February, but due to my serious condition (known as laziness) I didn’t send it off to the laptop doctor until late March, and it was only on Friday that it was finally returned to me.

I was so relieved to have it back after four long months, I can’t even begin to express. To have access to all my files, to update my iTunes library, to…er…to be able to…to work from the comfort of…uh…

…okay, fine. I was excited about porn. The conduit between me and porn was finally re-established, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. iTunes, schmiTunes.

But this return to easy smut acquisition did make me realise something – during the four months of radio silence, I became remarkably resourceful. There are more than a few cheaper, non-downloadable, more socially acceptable alternatives to gay pornography that can be found around the average home. I present to you now, should you ever find yourself sans technology, a selection from my library of Clayton’s Porn:

1) Men’s Diving

Sure, you might have to wait until the Olympics or Commonwealth Games – but gosh, it’s worth the wait. The televised coverage of this sport is geared almost exclusively to male body enthusiasts. There are the tiny swimsuits, seventeen camera angles, and extreme slow motion footage during the dive; but it’s post-event that this sport really shines. They shower afterwards. In the synchronised diving, they shower together. The scores for the dives are displayed on a super-imposed bar on the screen that just happens to cover the groinal area of the men while they shower, giving the impression that they are naked. And then, when they get a good score? They hug. And all this on free-to-air television, before the 9pm adult content watershed!

2) Football Superstar

If you have never heard of this, Football Superstar is a reality show on Foxtel where a dozen or so strapping young men compete for a spot in a professional soccer team. However, if you pay attention to the promos, you’ll notice that very little soccer is ever actually played. They all sit around and cheer while one of them does a striptease. In the next episode, they all put on strip down to sumo-wrestling mawashi and writhe around on each other (the footage is nothing but buttocks). I have yet to see any actual soccer playing – and if this isn’t proof enough that Football Superstar is akin to gay porn? The show is hosted by Brian McFadden. Come on. The man is engaged to Delta Goodrem – no straight man on the face of the planet is sexually attracted to Delta Goodrem.

3) Supernatural

Two brutally hot men who often find themselves in manly scuffles, chained to things, or in various stages of undress. Oh, and also? They love each other. (Yeah, they’re brothers, but you don’t have access to real porn, remember? You have to learn to compromise.)

 

4) Playing X-Men Origins: Wolverine

You may think that deriving lustful thoughts from a videogame character is…well, lame, but let’s not forget that men were doing it over Lara Croft back when she still had corners. At least the seventh generation of videogame consoles can provide us with a realistic rendition of Hugh Jackman’s defiantly broad back. And in this particular game? The more attacks Wolverine suffers, the more his shirt rips until eventually it comes off completely. That’s kinda gay. Also, it’s your goal to pounce on as many men as you can find, and enter them forcibly with your large, extendable shaft(s).

5) Actually Leaving The House And Maybe Getting Some Real Sex

Ha ha! Only kidding. I have no idea how to do that.