Just Stop, Part 2

by Jasper on August 20, 2010

It’s time for another episode of Just Stop! The feature where I pick out things that I personally don’t like, try to convince everyone that they shouldn’t like them either, and then act like it’s in the public interest to have them removed. It’s a system of operating I borrowed from Wendy Francis.

In the first instalment of Just Stop, I concentrated on just one thing. But I’ve expanded this time, and have many things. Let the vitriol commence!

THINGS THAT SHOULD JUST STOP

Skinny Jeans for Men
I don’t like these for three reasons. The first one is WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR PHONE, KEYS AND WALLET?

I can’t even tell if that’s a man or a woman. Well, it’ll definitely be a woman after a few hours in those things. Anyway. The second reason I hate skinny jeans is even if I did want to wear them, I couldn’t. Because I have big, muscular legs. I don’t know why—the rest of my body is a shambles, and the last decent leg-related exercise I did was in 1995—but I do. As a result, I couldn’t even get my calves down the leg of a pair of skinny jeans, let alone the insanity of trying to get whole quadriceps down there. I’d look like I was gadding about on two wobbly stacks of denim haggis.

The third reason I hate them is because if skinny men’s jeans are in fashion, then it stands to reason that skinny men’s legs are also in fashion. Which means I’m out of fashion. Again.

Taylor Swift

It’s not like she’s the first sickeningly sweet teen star we’ve ever had. She’s not even the most nauseating of all the cloyingly pure, Mouseketeeresque, flawless beacons of teenage innocence we’ve had cluttering up our TV shows, our cinemas and our music charts since the days of Cindy Brady. It’s just that she’s by far the most believable. And that sucks the fun right out of it.

We get fascinated with these kids because we’re secretly hoping they’ll end up like Lindsay Lohan. Or, at the very least, be a wild screeching diva. The best part about Hilary Duff was imagining her dropping the F-bomb and slapping an assistant for not having the lid taken off her sparkling water bottle in time. The only reason the mere mention of Miley Cyrus doesn’t make me vomit for hours is because I just imagine her being a complete tyrant at home; reducing her manly, mullet-wielding father to tears almost daily. I only found out who Selena Gomez was a week ago, but I’ve already constructed elaborate scenarios in my head where she’s the embodiment of evil: snorting coke of a hooker’s ass, punching a kitten in the face and not turning off the light when she leaves a room all at the same time. It makes their saccharine nature easier to take.

But Taylor Swift? She’s so fucking NICE. Nice nicey nice pants. I can’t stand it:

Besides, there’s only room in my heart for one adorable sweetheart. And Taylor Swift is nice and all, (and I’mma let her finish), but Anne Hathaway is the most adorable sweetheart of all time. OF ALL TIME.

The Word ‘Glamazon’
Why must Jennifer Hawkins always be referred to as a ‘Glamazon’ in news headlines? Is it because she doesn’t have a real job? Probably. But is ‘glamazon’ the best we can come up with? She’s “glamorous”, and “Amazon” women were tall. That’s it? Really? Sofia Vergara has big teeth and is quite thin; does that mean we have to start calling her a Teethiopian? Come on journalists, let’s leave the portmanteaus to the amateurs. Like myself. (As an amateur with Anglo-Saxon heritage, I will henceforth be known as an Amateuropean.)

Julia Roberts Looking Bored All The Time
What’s wrong, Julia?

This is how you have looked in almost every photo since 2002. You look so perturbed. So distant. Yes, it is disappointing that you decided to be in Eat, Pray, Love but we’ve put that behind us now. Come back to us! We love you! Julia? Are you there? Hello? Oh, Julia. We miss you so much. Where’s the raucous laughter? The wild hair? The smile that starts at the mouth, lights up the eyes, and makes your whole face shine with a raw joy that Tyra “Smize” Banks could only ever dream of?

Oh. Wait. You’re not perturbed. You don’t even notice we’re here. You’re totally just counting your piles and piles of money in your head right now, aren’t you?

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark

{ 4 comments }

SHHHHH – It’s The Secret

by Jasper on August 18, 2010

Well, I have to say, The Secret really works.

Written by the (quite frankly, scary looking) Rhonda Byrne, and built on the much debated “Law of Attraction”, the secret of The Secret appears to be that the entire universe is just itching to give you everything you could possibly want— the only reason you don’t have it yet is because you haven’t wanted it enough. Desiring stuff is apparently the cosmic equivalent of having a gift registry at Myer; and once you’ve told the universe what you want, it’s simply a matter of sitting back and waiting for the cash/friends/significantly larger genitals to come rolling on in.

So why am I claiming it works? Because The Secret came out some time ago—far too long ago to continue making fun of it—and I was really wanting for something vaguely The Secret related to hit the headlines so I could snark about it some more…

…and the universe has acquiesced to my demands. It has succumbed to the apparent reality-altering power of my own thoughts:

There’s a new The Secret book out.

Rhonda Byrne’s sequel to The Secret (not called The Secrel or The Sequet, which if you ask me is a ridiculous waste of good puns) is released in hardcover and audio CD this week. It’s called: The Power.

Now, I don’t know what’s in The Power, nor do I care to find out. What I do know is I have to warn everyone that these books are going to continue coming at us. I feel like I am responsible for this travesty, because it was clearly I who wished this book into existence. I used the secret power of The Secret to unleash The Power. But fear not! I can put this right. I have studied hard, and I have worked out Rhonda Byrne’s system, so I can now predict her every move and protect us all.

How did I unlock the real secret behind The Secret?

Early 90s dance tracks.

It’s quite simple. First Rhonda borrowed heavily from Urban Cookie Collective (famous for their smash hit “The Key, The Secret”), and now she’s moved on to Snap (whose seminal classic “The Power” has been used in the soundtrack to approximately every third movie since the day it was released). Now it’s just a matter of tracing a path through the 90s and flagging potential dangers.

I’ve already started, for the benefit of mankind. Let’s start with what we already know:

The Secret
This started it all. Rhonda tells us, in lockstep with the positive, uplifting message of Urban Cookie Collective that you can have whatever you want just by wishing for it (I’ve got the key, I’ve got the secret, I’ve got the key to a better day-ee-yeah). We all wonder, if it’s as easy as that, why she hasn’t wished for less frightening hair.

The Power
I haven’t read this book, but the slightly more aggressive tone suggests that once you’ve wished for everything you could possibly want, it’s time to start going after stuff other people want. Snap was indeed very aggressive (I’VE GOT THE POWAH), as were the accompanying synthesiser stabs (DERKEH DER DEK, DEK DEK, DEK, DERKEH DER DEK, DEK); so hostile takeovers could well be the theme.

Now, it’s time to extrapolate. What can the 90s tell us about Rhonda Byrne’s next move?

The Look
Having already received all her earthly wants and needs, and (possibly) nicked the earthly wants and needs of her enemies, Rhonda harnesses the awesome power of Roxette. She finally does something about the brittle, spindly fibreglass terrorising her scalp, and pops out her trademark “drowning victim” ice blue contacts for a lovely makeover. In this book, she tells you how you, too, can stop looking like a cross between Sophie Monk and a Cornish Rex, and start to resemble the kind of person who actually deserves all the chattel you’ve magicked up out of the air.

The Sign
Well it’s obvious, isn’t it? Once you’ve used The Secret to acquire all your earthly desires, and then used The Power to acquire everyone else’s, then tarted yourself up so you have The Look, you’re going to be a target for all lesser beings. Hordes of jealous, insolent little snips are going to be braying for your blood, and attempting (with inevitable futility) to take you down. But with the help Ace of Base (the other Swedish supergroup), you’ll learn how to read The Sign (or possible Signs), and always be one step ahead of the rest of the universe.

The Flame
In this book, Rhonda reveals her dark secret: she IS Robin Zander, lead singer of Cheap Trick. The hair, the horrible gaze, the frail features: wasn’t it obvious? And the revelation couldn’t come at a better time. Now you know when your enemies are going to come after you (thanks to The Sign), you can harness all the Rhonda/Robin energy and smite the shit out of them with The Flame.

So, now that you’ve got everything you want, everything anyone else wanted, you look great, you can sense your enemies presence AND defeat them accordingly, what’s left?

The Macarena*
Well, it’s over now. You’re clearly master of the universe. They all want you, they can’t have you, so they’ll all come and dance beside you.

Ah-HAI!

*No, I didn’t link to a YouTube video for this one. You’re welcome.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark

{ 3 comments }

The Good Old Days

August 12, 2010

To everyone who has ever said that the world is getting worse—that we’re all getting harsher, colder and meaner—and things were so much better in years gone by when it was a simpler, more innocent, happier time, when nothing was messy or wrong or upsetting: I present this to you, without further comment.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

Christina Aguilera: The Movie

August 7, 2010

Have you ever watched Coyote Ugly and thought “such a great film, if only more bewigged, cannon-voiced, genre defying pop stars/cosmetic enthusiasts were in it”? Then does Screen Gems have the film for you! Released today was the trailer for the Christina Aguilera/Cher vehicle, Burlesque. I assume the working title for this film was Laser Targeting [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

This Is Why I Shop At Myer

August 4, 2010

There’s no other store lawsuit like the one against David Jones. On Monday of this week, former publicist for David Jones Kristy Fraser-Kirk filed a lawsuit against David Jones and its former CEO Mark McInnes for sexual harassment, to the tune of $37 million. According to reports, McInnes made inappropriate comments towards her regarding a [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

Whatsicle?

July 23, 2010

Traffic here at this blog has gone through the roof recently. Is it because I write a steady stream of hilarious-and-simultaneously-thought-provoking posts? A brand of unique comedy hitherto unseen on the internet? Is it because jasperschultz.com is a veritable cornucopia of entertainment? No, no it isn’t. It’s because you are all dying to know what the hell [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

Ctrl Alternative Del

July 21, 2010

Remember when Tori Amos bucked the trend of female musicians in the early 90s by playing vaguely abstract songs on her piano instead of tit-reliant dancepop? That was awesome. Whimsical and awesome. She burst onto the alternative scene and captured the hearts of a lot of disenfranchised people. Remember when Tori Amos started gussying herself up [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

I’ll Speak To Your Supervisor

July 12, 2010

You know what, people? Calm down. Just take a deep, soothing breath and caaaaaaaalm down. If everyone keeps tottering about the place as tightly wound as they are right now, we’re all going to do ourselves a damage. Every day we are forced to face unnecessary rudeness from people. And we, in turn, are unnecessarily [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

It’s Not Easy

July 6, 2010

This morning I decided I would walk to work, under the heading “cursory health conscious behaviour”. Normally I couldn’t give rat’s date about exercise, and simply maintain my ability to wear all my current clothes by (occasionally) regulating what I eat. However, working in Fitzroy puts me in close proximity to a dazzling array of food outlets; [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →

The Power of Context

July 2, 2010

I rarely try to get educational in this blog because…well firstly,  yawn, but also to be honest, I’ve never had anything to teach before. But I do now. I want to teach you about context. Specifically, I want to show you how even the slightest shift in context can cause massive follow on effects to the [...]

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • LiveJournal
  • Digg
  • Tumblr
  • Delicious
  • Share/Bookmark
Read the rest →