Well, I have to say, The Secret really works.

Written by the (quite frankly, scary looking) Rhonda Byrne, and built on the much debated “Law of Attraction”, the secret of The Secret appears to be that the entire universe is just itching to give you everything you could possibly want— the only reason you don’t have it yet is because you haven’t wanted it enough. Desiring stuff is apparently the cosmic equivalent of having a gift registry at Myer; and once you’ve told the universe what you want, it’s simply a matter of sitting back and waiting for the cash/friends/significantly larger genitals to come rolling on in.

So why am I claiming it works? Because The Secret came out some time ago—far too long ago to continue making fun of it—and I was really wanting for something vaguely The Secret related to hit the headlines so I could snark about it some more…

…and the universe has acquiesced to my demands. It has succumbed to the apparent reality-altering power of my own thoughts:

There’s a new The Secret book out.

Rhonda Byrne’s sequel to The Secret (not called The Secrel or The Sequet, which if you ask me is a ridiculous waste of good puns) is released in hardcover and audio CD this week. It’s called: The Power.

Now, I don’t know what’s in The Power, nor do I care to find out. What I do know is I have to warn everyone that these books are going to continue coming at us. I feel like I am responsible for this travesty, because it was clearly I who wished this book into existence. I used the secret power of The Secret to unleash The Power. But fear not! I can put this right. I have studied hard, and I have worked out Rhonda Byrne’s system, so I can now predict her every move and protect us all.

How did I unlock the real secret behind The Secret?

Early 90s dance tracks.

It’s quite simple. First Rhonda borrowed heavily from Urban Cookie Collective (famous for their smash hit “The Key, The Secret”), and now she’s moved on to Snap (whose seminal classic “The Power” has been used in the soundtrack to approximately every third movie since the day it was released). Now it’s just a matter of tracing a path through the 90s and flagging potential dangers.

I’ve already started, for the benefit of mankind. Let’s start with what we already know:

The Secret
This started it all. Rhonda tells us, in lockstep with the positive, uplifting message of Urban Cookie Collective that you can have whatever you want just by wishing for it (I’ve got the key, I’ve got the secret, I’ve got the key to a better day-ee-yeah). We all wonder, if it’s as easy as that, why she hasn’t wished for less frightening hair.

The Power
I haven’t read this book, but the slightly more aggressive tone suggests that once you’ve wished for everything you could possibly want, it’s time to start going after stuff other people want. Snap was indeed very aggressive (I’VE GOT THE POWAH), as were the accompanying synthesiser stabs (DERKEH DER DEK, DEK DEK, DEK, DERKEH DER DEK, DEK); so hostile takeovers could well be the theme.

Now, it’s time to extrapolate. What can the 90s tell us about Rhonda Byrne’s next move?

The Look
Having already received all her earthly wants and needs, and (possibly) nicked the earthly wants and needs of her enemies, Rhonda harnesses the awesome power of Roxette. She finally does something about the brittle, spindly fibreglass terrorising her scalp, and pops out her trademark “drowning victim” ice blue contacts for a lovely makeover. In this book, she tells you how you, too, can stop looking like a cross between Sophie Monk and a Cornish Rex, and start to resemble the kind of person who actually deserves all the chattel you’ve magicked up out of the air.

The Sign
Well it’s obvious, isn’t it? Once you’ve used The Secret to acquire all your earthly desires, and then used The Power to acquire everyone else’s, then tarted yourself up so you have The Look, you’re going to be a target for all lesser beings. Hordes of jealous, insolent little snips are going to be braying for your blood, and attempting (with inevitable futility) to take you down. But with the help Ace of Base (the other Swedish supergroup), you’ll learn how to read The Sign (or possible Signs), and always be one step ahead of the rest of the universe.

The Flame
In this book, Rhonda reveals her dark secret: she IS Robin Zander, lead singer of Cheap Trick. The hair, the horrible gaze, the frail features: wasn’t it obvious? And the revelation couldn’t come at a better time. Now you know when your enemies are going to come after you (thanks to The Sign), you can harness all the Rhonda/Robin energy and smite the shit out of them with The Flame.

So, now that you’ve got everything you want, everything anyone else wanted, you look great, you can sense your enemies presence AND defeat them accordingly, what’s left?

The Macarena*
Well, it’s over now. You’re clearly master of the universe. They all want you, they can’t have you, so they’ll all come and dance beside you.

Ah-HAI!

*No, I didn’t link to a YouTube video for this one. You’re welcome.

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